She is in me refers to my daughter who fills my soul. I love my daughter so very much, she is what wakes me each morning to fight another day.
It has been put on my heart to share my story- in the hopes that someone going through anything similar to the many things I have been through can know, they are not alone. Good people do make bad choices but please don't let them define you. Time truly does change everything... and often.
On my (1st) wedding day I was about to hyperventilate. I had to take something to calm me down and my mom and aunt helped me control my breathing so we could get the dress zipped. It was insane. I was sweating and crying and…well just plain freaking out! Lol I just assumed it was was “normal” and thats what everyone told me.. “you’re just excited”
When I married Joseph Travis I could have done a black flip, triple axle, and the fact that I couldn’t stop giggling was what made getting in my dress that day a little tough. I knew… I looked out the window.. saw him laughing..that smile so big.. and I knew. I saw a “beginning” and felt peace and joy in my heart I had never felt before.
Honestly, I had planned a get away… no one knows that.. well.. until now. I couldn’t do it, I KNEW that what we have people spend their entire life searching for.. and I wasn’t running.
If you are getting married and everything is done, bought and paid for. You can still call it off. You can still run. Trust me, it will cost ALLOT less to leave BEFORE you say I do. For you, your spouse, your families and friends.
You see you won’t just lose the deposit on the venue, food, dresses, honeymoon, etc. You loose EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and if kids are born… its a Million times worse if it doesn’t work out. So if you aren’t ready, or sure, or ready to do a triple axle in to that dress…It won’t hurt to give it some more time.. just to be sure.
The word Marriage has so much meaning & feeling in it. Kind of like the Name of Jesus. Marriage can bring many tears, laughter, hope, joy, sadness, loneliness, peace, forgiveness, kindness, patience, goodness, self-control, faithfulness … Many of these are “fruits of the Spirit” Self-Control and Forgiveness… can be the hardest ones. Love can hurt the most, and sadness and loneliness…well they just suck!
When you get married you think, “honeymoon!” Am I right? You also think of love, a home, family, holidays, birthdays, vacations, bills, and “can we handle this….together?” KIDS! animals, family tradition, new traditions, the list goes on.. the 2 families become…ONE. (Ideally but def NOT all the time) let’s just hope they like each other and can get along 🤣 that was, and is, my prayers ❤️🎉
Of course those first few months, maybe even the first 10 years things aren’t “normal” (nothing is “normal” anymore after having a baby) I had a couple miscarriages, my family wasn’t “involved”, which of course is my fault too.
My mom did ask me, with tears in her eyes on my wedding day, “Are you sure!?” My daddy, vey much trying to hide it, sobbed all the way down the isle. They love me….but they also knew I was making a huge mistake… I just didn’t see it…
Everything was perfect. I had a wonderful “new family” and mother-in-law who was, is, and will forever be, like a mother to me. A father-in-law who would stop everything to help us fix something. They will always be some of the best people I know.. so how did their son end up this way… I made some mistakes that hurt everyone, but no one deserves what he has put people through, especially his family. ESPECIALLY HIS DAUGHTER, MOM & DAD.
I feel like my own mother couldn’t get past her own jealousy to be involved so I guess she just stayed out of the way. I still struggle with getting past that.. When it’s was time for Katelyn to arrive, I had 2 epidurals, a spinal tap, and finally an emergency C-section. My mom woke Greg up saying “It’s time!” he looked me dead in the eye and said “It’s 2am (or 4am?, can’t remember exact time by that point) and you want to do this NOW?!?!” I had now been in labor over 24 hours and Katelyn’s head was stuck. Greg’s mom gently escorted him to the waiting room. How thoughtful. My mom did not leave my side in that hospital. She got “left waiting in the ER waiting room” when they had to put a rush on it because Katelyn was in distress. After all the ooooos and ahhhhhhs we went home after 3 days. I couldn’t pick Katelyn up, walk, I was hurting so bad. I couldn’t even hold her to feed her. Greg went back to work the day after we returned home. I was sure my mom would be there any moment. When I couldn’t change Katelyn’s diaper and fell, I called my mother-in-law. She was there in 20 seconds. From then on, she never left my side. She helped us with everything. Even at 6 weeks old when I couldn’t handle all the crying (turns out I am pretty emotional now lol) Joyce kept her so I could heal, took me 6 weeks or longer. After being married almost 5 years (I am guessing) I never saw Greg work so much and so late. I thought it was the “new dad” and all that hitting him… Looking back, he just didn’t want to deal with us. The crying, the bottles, helping me shower, laundry, dishes, formula, diapers, doctors appointments, birthday parties, you name it. He wasn’t there. Video games… that was his thing.
However, It wasn’t about him anymore. That’s when I really started noticing. I honestly think he was jealous, of his own daughter, and the attention she got. Not just from me but…EVERYONE. If he did come to church he sat in the nursery.
As Katelyn got older…everything seemed to become…clearer….I stated to notice things I didn’t before, feel things I didn’t before..Not good things either..
I would have never guessed by the time Katelyn was 11 I would walk around with a 9mm strapped to me after leaving her father.
Don’t you just love it when your husbands alarm clock goes off 3 @&#=$(#) times on a Saturday before 6am? As soon as my mind awakes, game on..
Kidding (not really) I’m just not a morning person..Joey is who I refer to as “Cinderella” animals love him. And so do I. 💕🥰
I have so much stored in my brain, I don’t even know where to begin. I want the pain to stop, the mental battle, the hurt, all of it….to be quite.. even if just for one day. I’ve started meditation.. controlled breathing. Watching motivated speakers & listening to pod casts. Pills work faster.. especially if you double up. Berne Brown made the statement in one of her speeches “Numbing the pain means numbing everything. The joy, the happy, not just the mental distress and anxiety.” I have pretty much watched all her stuff and hope to read her books soon. That statement changes everything.. you can too! So what will it be,? I want to hear from you. How are you coping?
Last night as I was telling a story from my childhood to my husband about how my father called a “family meeting” to tell us we we’re all moving from Oxford,Alabama (Oxford, Anniston, or Cullman-bad memory) to the great state of Washington! “Washington DC!”, I asked excited. “No, Washington State.”, my dad said smiling. Joey, my husband, said “Oh my God, you are your father!” Joey was laughing and I take this as a complement because in my eyes it’s always been #1 Jesus #2 Daddy.
So- I am starting my blog back. I DO NOT have an English degree, I don’t use correct punctuation or any of that other crap the right way. So if that bothers you. You may not want to keep reading.
I do, however, try. I have some deep hurts, crippling anxiety, and bouts of depression. I also have a very sick sense of humor so… stay with me if you want. I am done holding it all in! Let the healing begin…or hurting.. pfff whichever. I know, I’m not alone… and neither are you… .
The last time I posted it was an apology and I apologize again because I was on a roll!! I was getting my journal entries posted on a regular. I was feeling the “healing”, I was getting feedback from friends and family “Your doing it!, Good for you” and then I had to stop. I listened to the advise of close friends and stopped. I will continue with this journey when I know it is safe. For now, it is Paused.
A friend shared a bible devotional this morning called “Without Rival With Lisa Bevere”. It is a 7 day devotional done on the YouVersion Bible app. I watched the video and Day one immediately and let me tell you- this is going to be a game changer. At the end of these Bible studies you have the option to “Talk it Over” with the person you are doing the study with. “When we’ve been bankrupted, it is not long before we want to rob others.” hit me between the eyes like that softball did almost 4 years ago. (Funny- NOT funny, that HURT) ANYWAY- after doing the study my mind was racing and I had the overwhelming urge to grab this laptop and start again… and so- here I am. Typing as I am thinking and not really knowing what God has planned. Again.
I have been bankrupted but I have also bankrupted others. I have robbed others and others have robbed me. I am not throwing stones here. Jesus said “Let you who are without sin cast the first stone” that’s right Jesus! Tell’em!!
Lisa Bevere also said “If you don’t know what you are supposed to be doing with your life that means that God has planned something for you that no one else has done “Well, isn’t that just great!! (enter nervous sigh here) In my response to the study it’s the same thoughts I have wrestled with for years. “Why have I went through all this Lord?” “What do you want me to do with all of it that will bring YOU Glory!?”
I have been the depressed kid at home because she felt like she didn’t fit in, the drug addicted teen, the adulterous wife, liked girls and wasn’t sure who I was because of it or if God could use me…love me…forgive me.. I have questioned everything good in my life and knew exactly why everything bad happened. I want to help kids, teens, adults, women especially… but am clueless about how to since I can’t even help my own daughter and I feel everyday, because of my mistakes, I have ruined her for life.
Then I pray. God restores me, reminds me who He is.. and I know. I know that everything WILL be ok because I read the book- I know how it ends.
So while my journal entries have paused.. for now.. I am back..God is calling me… for what I am not sure…I hope whoever is reading this knows that no matter what you are going through our God is a God who stays. Even when we’ve walked away. (YES, that is a song) My theme song actually. 🙂
I owe my ex’s baby momma an apology for calling her crazy in my intro to starting this blog. Regardless of the reasons I did it, it was wrong. This blog is supposed to bring healing, peace, and understanding. Not tear down anyone or cause more pain. We are all dealing with our own demons, hurts, habits, and hangups. I pray this finds it’s way and forgiveness is met. This life is hard and it hurts. I have experienced my fair share just as much as the next person. I am not to proud to say I am sorry .
We went to PC Beach this past weekend. Went to Club VeLa no drugs – nothing – pure adrenaline. I had a great time. I danced more than I ever do at any other party. 🙂 The after party was kickin to adn we ended up with the 1/2 owner later that day and he let us in to dance & get down but the other 1/2 owner found out and we had to leave 😦 We meet some cool people. hung out for awhile (Some friends) meet us we rode the PCB strip we hooked up on some “chicken” that wasn’t to good. (bathroom crank) But oh Well! We left about 8:00pm and it took me 5 hrs to get home b/c Dave passed out. 🙂 anyways it was good to get away. Now we’re looking forward to April 22nd. The Auburn Army is having another Party. 1st Party I love Dave and at this very moment april 5th 8:32pm we can’t find Dave’s Keys & Jackie (girl) stayed in PCB. She hasn’t come home yet. I wonder. I hope she makes it Back. She’s 22 yrs old but… I hope she’s ok (she had never been there B4)
Jackie called last night she was in Columbus. She wanted us to come pick her up, but we had no $ or gas. I know she’s okay now I’m just waiting for her to Return to Auburn.
The trip to PCB back then was when you could jump in your car with a change of clothes and tooth brush and take off… and we did. It was one of the rare times we went out to the club/party sober but not bc we wanted too. We just didn’t score any there. It was always a top priority. I had to drive us back and boy it was a long drive. I can’t remember if Jackie rode down with us down there, I am assuming she did. I remember begging her to come back with us and worried for so long that something had happened to her. Remember we didn’t have cell phones at this time! I honestly don’t recall ever talking to her again after the call from Columbus asking us to come get her.
hello. hello. Well, the middle of the month is here. Nothing too much has happened. (Friend) is still in jail for seeing Steve —- get shot. (Different Friend) is in jail, cause he was leaving Zelda’s web (drunk) a car had no brakes he hit it another car hit the car he hit killed a little boy manslautter. Crazy. Seems everyones going down. On a better note (Friend) and (Friend) are getting married on the 22nd after the Blizzard party on the 21st. I’m not working but I quite smoken’ to better my life. and with Gods will and my wonderful determenation I will overcome. After the summer I’m going to start ICS classes. I “heart” Dave —-
At the time I was writing this I was so clueless has to how close I was to my life taking a very dark turn that night at Zelda’s Web. I was there that night. I was drunk and chose to drive home too. I could have hit the car with no brake lights.. any of us there that night could have been in that car.. My friend spent 20+ years in jail after that night.. One of the kindest, sweetest people in the world and whose family is some of the nicest people I know… I want to say we didn’t make our friends wedding either.. Not to say we didn’t try though.. It’s sad how I can write about people getting shot and and going to jail so casually.. “Oh not to much happened”… It’s easy to say today we are “numb” from seeing all this behavior on the internet and TV. I believe I was “numb” at this time from doing drugs. The reality of what I was living had not quite hit me yet.. but it was coming..
okay what’s up? We are gonna fo to florida this weekend. maybe we shouldn’t but we’re young. We’ve got time! I see my self 10 yrs from now married yes. working yes. but doing what I have no idea. I keep thinking that I will find my self, but I guess looking would be the first thing. I want to plant a garden. aranged in tie die looking circle Sherry graduates in May. I’ve been out of High School 1yr. Sometimes it feels like months. One thing for sure I love Dave.
10 years from the day this was written would have been March 31st 2010. I had been married to my daughter’s father for 4 years by then and Katelyn was 10 months old. I was working at T-Mobile in Tiger Town as a retail store manager. Making a good living but missing all my daughters “firsts”. Working in retail you work nights, weekends, and holidays. I was scared to death of being a mom and working my tail off at the same time. I loved my job but missed being home watching my baby grow up. I still was not where I felt like I should have been in life.I was married, had the kid, was going to church, but something was still missing…
What’s happen! Well. I haven’t clearly wrote in awhile but everythings peachy. I’m not working with my parent’s anymore. The $ just wasn’t happen for the drive anymore. We went to see AK1200 in Atlanta at the atrium March 18th! It was off the Hook!! SO FHAT! We had a great time Buttas: thumbs up. Midsabusse: alagaters (correct spelling should be buddhas, mitsubishi, an alligators. I am referring to ecstasy pills, as you can see in the journal entry I went back and wrote the number of how many I took and circled it, impressive Kat ) It was intense. Me & Dave are great. We go to court June 15th pretrial and June 26th trial. everythings peachy. Sherry’s about to graduate Lissa is a wonderful friend (Bestest in the world) She almost moved to Atlanta but she stayed. thank goodness. I’m looking for a joB (kinda) Maybe painting w/ my aunt or wait tables 3 nights a week. I haven’t decided. I’ve decided this I am quiting smoking pot! I’ve got to to get a good job
Well. Untill laster on: Oh (my friend) dad died. But she’s strong! and Jesus will help her & her friends.
I read what I wrote back then as if it was someone else writing it. I was there. Some stuff I remember and some stuff I don’t but “who is this girl” is what I am thinking as I am reading it, typing it… trying to understand.It honestly blows my mind the girl writing these journals and the girl typing away on this keyboard. It helps me to understand why I am always trying to be better.. to do better.. Of course these attributes were instilled by my parents. I was raised to be respectful, honest, think of others more than yourself, work hard for what you want in life, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal.. All the “normal things” we try to teach our kids today (well most of us any way)I know the exact day that everything changed.
Of course I am not going to just come out and spill the beans… I am sure it is written in one of these journals somewhere…
today was tough Hard so to speak. I feel like I’ve be threw a grinding machine. Depositions are the hardest thing. They are trying to screw me with my past. How can one incident, that you never tell anyone come back to haunt your life. Now that blank spot thats been erased for so many years, is playing over and over in my head. Everything’s going to be okay. Sorry years from now I probably won’t remember what this page is talking about! Good
Reading the other side of this page on Aug 29th I know. I will always remember. and the next time I go to Panama City Beach, I won’t get drunk and pass out. even if my friends are around. thank you (friend) and for saving me & (my friend). It could have been worse.
When we are young we only see what is happening right then, in that moment. We do not realize the impact it can have on our lives. When I was still in high school, 17 years old if I remember correctly. I went to Panama City Beach with some friends. I had been smoking weed and drinking since I was 14 so it wasn’t a big deal. This was when people would ride the strip and the music could be as loud as we wanted it to be. My friends had a motel right on the strip. We met some older guys that invited us back to their room to smoke. It wasn’t new to us so of course- we went. Yes we had been drinking all day. I remember the door flying open the sun beaming in and my friend who had not went with us was screaming at us to wake up, get up, and get the hell out of there. I also remember telling the boys no and my friend telling the boys no but.. Thank God our angel showed up when she did.. During the sexual harassment lawsuit this incident came up. They argued I had a history of giving men the wrong impression and inviting them to make sexual advances towards me.That I had done it in Panama City and done it again to these 40+ year old men at work when I was 18. I asked for it. I wanted it. I wanted the attention. It was all a game to me according to their defense attorney. I don’t know who told their attorney, I never tried to find out. What would that accomplish? I did become very angry at how both these incidents where now, all my fault…