I owe my ex’s baby momma an apology for calling her crazy in my intro to starting this blog. Regardless of the reasons I did it, it was wrong. This blog is supposed to bring healing, peace, and understanding. Not tear down anyone or cause more pain. We are all dealing with our own demons, hurts, habits, and hangups. I pray this finds it’s way and forgiveness is met. This life is hard and it hurts. I have experienced my fair share just as much as the next person. I am not to proud to say I am sorry .
We went to PC Beach this past weekend. Went to Club VeLa no drugs – nothing – pure adrenaline. I had a great time. I danced more than I ever do at any other party. 🙂 The after party was kickin to adn we ended up with the 1/2 owner later that day and he let us in to dance & get down but the other 1/2 owner found out and we had to leave 😦 We meet some cool people. hung out for awhile (Some friends) meet us we rode the PCB strip we hooked up on some “chicken” that wasn’t to good. (bathroom crank) But oh Well! We left about 8:00pm and it took me 5 hrs to get home b/c Dave passed out. 🙂
anyways it was good to get away. Now we’re looking forward to April 22nd. The Auburn Army is having another Party. 1st Party I love Dave and at this very moment april 5th 8:32pm we can’t find Dave’s Keys & Jackie (girl) stayed in PCB. She hasn’t come home yet. I wonder. I hope she makes it Back. She’s 22 yrs old but… I hope she’s ok (she had never been there B4)
Jackie called last night she was in Columbus. She wanted us to come pick her up, but we had no $ or gas. I know she’s okay now I’m just waiting for her to Return to Auburn.
The trip to PCB back then was when you could jump in your car with a change of clothes and tooth brush and take off… and we did. It was one of the rare times we went out to the club/party sober but not bc we wanted too. We just didn’t score any there. It was always a top priority. I had to drive us back and boy it was a long drive. I can’t remember if Jackie rode down with us down there, I am assuming she did. I remember begging her to come back with us and worried for so long that something had happened to her. Remember we didn’t have cell phones at this time! I honestly don’t recall ever talking to her again after the call from Columbus asking us to come get her.
hello. hello. Well, the middle of the month is here. Nothing too much has happened. (Friend) is still in jail for seeing Steve —- get shot. (Different Friend) is in jail, cause he was leaving Zelda’s web (drunk) a car had no brakes he hit it another car hit the car he hit killed a little boy manslautter. Crazy. Seems everyones going down. On a better note (Friend) and (Friend) are getting married on the 22nd after the Blizzard party on the 21st. I’m not working but I quite smoken’ to better my life. and with Gods will and my wonderful determenation I will overcome. After the summer I’m going to start ICS classes.
I “heart” Dave —-
At the time I was writing this I was so clueless has to how close I was to my life taking a very dark turn that night at Zelda’s Web. I was there that night. I was drunk and chose to drive home too. I could have hit the car with no brake lights.. any of us there that night could have been in that car.. My friend spent 20+ years in jail after that night.. One of the kindest, sweetest people in the world and whose family is some of the nicest people I know… I want to say we didn’t make our friends wedding either.. Not to say we didn’t try though.. It’s sad how I can write about people getting shot and and going to jail so casually.. “Oh not to much happened”… It’s easy to say today we are “numb” from seeing all this behavior on the internet and TV. I believe I was “numb” at this time from doing drugs. The reality of what I was living had not quite hit me yet.. but it was coming..
March 31st 2000
okay what’s up? We are gonna fo to florida this weekend. maybe we shouldn’t but we’re young. We’ve got time! I see my self 10 yrs from now married yes. working yes. but doing what I have no idea. I keep thinking that I will find my self, but I guess looking would be the first thing. I want to plant a garden. aranged in tie die looking circle Sherry graduates in May. I’ve been out of High School 1yr. Sometimes it feels like months. One thing for sure I love Dave.
10 years from the day this was written would have been March 31st 2010. I had been married to my daughter’s father for 4 years by then and Katelyn was 10 months old. I was working at T-Mobile in Tiger Town as a retail store manager. Making a good living but missing all my daughters “firsts”. Working in retail you work nights, weekends, and holidays. I was scared to death of being a mom and working my tail off at the same time. I loved my job but missed being home watching my baby grow up. I still was not where I felt like I should have been in life. I was married, had the kid, was going to church, but something was still missing…
March 29th – Wed. hump day.
What’s happen! Well. I haven’t clearly wrote in awhile but everythings peachy. I’m not working with my parent’s anymore. The $ just wasn’t happen for the drive anymore. We went to see AK1200 in Atlanta at the atrium March 18th! It was off the Hook!! SO FHAT! We had a great time Buttas : thumbs up. Midsabusse: alagaters (correct spelling should be buddhas, mitsubishi, an alligators. I am referring to ecstasy pills, as you can see in the journal entry I went back and wrote the number of how many I took and circled it, impressive Kat ) It was intense. Me & Dave are great. We go to court June 15th pretrial and June 26th trial. everythings peachy. Sherry’s about to graduate Lissa is a wonderful friend (Bestest in the world)
She almost moved to Atlanta but she stayed. thank goodness. I’m looking for a joB (kinda) Maybe painting w/ my aunt or wait tables 3 nights a week. I haven’t decided. I’ve decided this I am quiting smoking pot! I’ve got to to get a good job
Well. Untill laster on:
Oh (my friend) dad died. But she’s strong! and Jesus will help her & her friends.
I read what I wrote back then as if it was someone else writing it. I was there. Some stuff I remember and some stuff I don’t but “who is this girl” is what I am thinking as I am reading it, typing it… trying to understand. It honestly blows my mind the girl writing these journals and the girl typing away on this keyboard. It helps me to understand why I am always trying to be better.. to do better.. Of course these attributes were instilled by my parents. I was raised to be respectful, honest, think of others more than yourself, work hard for what you want in life, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal.. All the “normal things” we try to teach our kids today (well most of us any way) I know the exact day that everything changed.
Of course I am not going to just come out and spill the beans… I am sure it is written in one of these journals somewhere…
March 9, 2K
today was tough Hard so to speak. I feel like I’ve be threw a grinding machine. Depositions are the hardest thing. They are trying to screw me with my past. How can one incident, that you never tell anyone come back to haunt your life. Now that blank spot thats been erased for so many years, is playing over and over in my head. Everything’s going to be okay. Sorry years from now I probably won’t remember what this page is talking about! Good
Reading the other side of this page on Aug 29th
and the next time I go to Panama City Beach, I won’t get drunk and pass out. even if my friends are around. thank you (friend) and for saving me & (my friend).
It could have been worse.
When we are young we only see what is happening right then, in that moment. We do not realize the impact it can have on our lives. When I was still in high school, 17 years old if I remember correctly. I went to Panama City Beach with some friends. I had been smoking weed and drinking since I was 14 so it wasn’t a big deal. This was when people would ride the strip and the music could be as loud as we wanted it to be. My friends had a motel right on the strip. We met some older guys that invited us back to their room to smoke. It wasn’t new to us so of course- we went. Yes we had been drinking all day. I remember the door flying open the sun beaming in and my friend who had not went with us was screaming at us to wake up, get up, and get the hell out of there. I also remember telling the boys no and my friend telling the boys no but.. Thank God our angel showed up when she did..
During the sexual harassment lawsuit this incident came up. They argued I had a history of giving men the wrong impression and inviting them to make sexual advances towards me. That I had done it in Panama City and done it again to these 40+ year old men at work when I was 18. I asked for it. I wanted it. I wanted the attention. It was all a game to me according to their defense attorney. I don’t know who told their attorney, I never tried to find out. What would that accomplish? I did become very angry at how both these incidents where now, all my fault…
March 1st 2000
I talked to Justin today! March 18th AK & Nockternal. He might get us the tickets. ?We will meet him & stay. that the plan. -Reminder to tell Dave when I get home. 11:10am
March 3 2000 TGIF
Today’s Friday. thank goodness wonder what todays or rather this weekend will Be maybe me & Dave can be together. Just Us.
(“Justin” was my best friend) He passed away in 2016. He moved back to Atlanta after high school. He did get us tickets, if I remember correctly. Guess we will find out as I continue with the journal entries. Did I ever tell Dave? What happened from 3/1/2000-3/3/2000?I suppose we will see lots of “gaps” in days. To be honest I more that likely finally fell asleep and slept for 2-3 days after being up for 3-4 days straight.
March 6, 2000
Okay. the weekend was fun. Drunk for the first time in about a year 1/2 or so. (remember I am 19 years old at this time) Don’t tell anyone though. (Really Kat- who is your journal going to “tell” SMH) It was fun. Went to Alex City. Everyone there was trying to be something they aren’t. There the people who make fun of you in public But behind closed doors they want to be your “friend” so to speak. Why can’t people just except things and each other. Everyone has good AND Bad points.
Okay. Tonight I smoked Opium. It’s a different feelings or either okay nevermind. I can’t think right now.
–Later on found out it wasn’t opium at all but, dried up incents, still got a buzz though. Maybe it was cut.
I remember going to someones house in Alex City on that weekend in 2000. We were dressed in our kikwear jeans or better known as “rave clothes”. When we walked in I remember everyone whispering and could tell they were making fun of us. I got drunk because after all, who cared? Some of them were curious about us.. it was obvious we probably had stuff to share.. and we did…
I have no idea where the “opium” came from to know if it was fake or not when we smoked it. It was, later on, we were told it wasn’t- but whatever it was made enough impact for me to write about. I think about the crap kids are doing today...
I just want to scream “DON’T DO IT!” “IT’S NOT WORTH IT” “FIND NEW FRIENDS” The truth is- I had some of the best friends ever during that time. They watched out for me and other people in our “group” Until it became more than something to do recreationally… Until waking up depended on having what you needed to “wake up” and actually get out of bed. Making it to work meant getting high before, during lunch, in the bathroom, and of course, after work to celebrate making it through the day. Having things like food and electricity where optional.
febuary 29, 2000
Okay the last day of the month is upon us once again. Hold on I odn’t like this pen. Wait. In a few months or so I feel that my life will make another turning point. (1) me and Dave will find a new home and move porbably to Notasoga. My lawsuit with Pizza Pro will probably be settled after June or so, but I still try to look negative at that one subject. Excited I am very. I love Dave and Spaz. AK1200 play March 18th. That’s my Goal next month. Think I can make it! (I did make it FHAT PARTY)
Oh what a night!
Night after Gurrelia Beats Party!
I tell you the truth. Grammerly was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Pizza Pro was a local business that I worked at while I was in high school. I entered into a lawsuit with them for sexual harassment. I can not remember if I was still in school or already graduated when the lawsuit kicked off but I know it went on for years and was the worst thing (to start with) I had ever been through. All these women in the #metoo movement getting ridiculed for not speaking up sooner… I know why they don’t, gezzz lousie. You can wear a tape recorder to work and have others testify that it happened to them too and they still try to make YOU look like the one who asked for it. I can’t imagine being rich and famous or trying to start a career. It truly would have been easier to just walk away.. That’s not me though. They were wrong. Grown men and we were just kids (16 & 17), wrong is wrong except in lawsuits. It’s what you can prove, disprove, or how bad you can make someone look that really counts, no matter how old they are. As the lawsuit was nearing the end it didn’t help that I was becoming more and more strung out..
There is something to be said about revisiting the past. The past can not be changed and the future isn’t here yet so why worry- it’s called the present for a reason. I know it sounds so cliché to say it but- wow. Since starting this blog on New Years Eve (2019) I have started to remember things I have blocked out of my mind…You know we do that to heal right? I have been nervous about using names, places, etc. and decided that some will just have to be changed. While my journey is mine to share it isn’t someone else to share. It has taken me… many years to do this.. the last time I tried about 7 or 8 years ago it sent me in a downward spiral. No one noticed but… not really the point…… I put my journals up and haven’t picked them up since… The closet I got to speaking and sharing my testimony (or a small portion) was with the youth at my church in 2013...Later on that was used against me and rocked my faith to it’s core.
The best thing about our Lord is- HE does not give up on us. He pursues us with and endless love. After all, was He not falsely accused, beaten, spit on, and hung up on a cross to die? Yes, yes he was. Never saying a word. Yet we want to blame someone, anyone, for anything and everything in our lives. Blah, blah, blah. Poor us.
My apologies- I hit a nerve and rabbit trail at the same time. Stay with me. I’m not promising that it gets better but if you are in to ramblings- your are in the right place.
I did not have the mental strength to do a journal entry tonight. I know what is coming and honestly I am praying for His guidance on how to proceed. Keeping the objective in mind and being careful not to take unnecessary punches. But necessary punches… that could be fun… dang it.. did it again.
A friend recently said to me “Kat remember those guys that use to take care of us when we would party? They would keep us safe?” Me “Yes, yes I do” (thinking of my best friend who has passed, my boyfriend at the time, and the boys from Eclectic, Alabama who would bury someone with a quickness) Friend “They don’t exist anymore”
Me “That is so sad.”
I must be marrying the last gentleman on earth. 🙂 Yay me!
February 2000 continues tomorrow. (Look at me, all grown up and can spell February now) Thanks Grammarly! 🙂
febuary 22, 2000 (I was not (still ain’t)a good speller)
Okay when someone gets a journal why do they never keep it up?! Or is that just me! Probably just me did I ever tell you where I live right now. 115 N Debarbaladen Apt 36 Auburn AL 36830 here I love the sceen. Most of the people are out there. But some are pretty cool. I have a wonderful boyfriend/soulmate we are perfect.
Well I guess that nothing would seem perfect but really what can I say is wrong. I don’t worry about money like I use to cause I know were gonna make it. We have this strong sick sence. Sometimes we can fell miles apart, but closeness dosen’t even describe our compatabily. We have a cat named Spaz who is pretty much out there somewhere. But we love her. She lets you love her on her own time!
to be quite honest we have alot of people who really like us. Or at least they call and want us to hang out all the time =) Whitch is cool. I guess were not to sociable really but I don’t care cause I know in the end it will just be Kat-n-Dave. Or rather Dave & Kat!
What happened to Valentines……………
when ever you grace something, it slaps you in the face nothing will ever break me & Dave everything can fall apart but as long as I have “us” I can make it threw anything…….I’m high…. Febuary 23, 2000
I loved Dave so very much and I honestly believe a part of me always will. I was 19 years old when I made this entry. I went from being a no one in high school with only a handful of friends to the girl… the couple.. that everyone wanted to hang out with. It was at this time everyone started calling me Kat. Dave and Kat. I can’t remember who started calling me Kat first, no one in school did. No one in Tallassee, AL did at that time. More than likely when I hear “Hey Katrina” its my parents or high school classmates. I loved Kat. She was confident, popular, funny, and invited to all the parties. I had the cool, laid back boyfriend, who was also super funny and always down for a good time. We respected everyone and it seemed, everyone respected us too.
It’s amazing how “things” can bring out the emotions hid far somewhere an by the end of the “rollar coaster” everything seems somewhat the same yet closer in the whole scene. Same people same shit. What about same shit new people. Somewhere out there? Just thinking. I do have good friends. But theres more to explore. Let my worries beside themselves. And try to think free. After all I’m still that age!?
Still that age? I was 19 at this time. 9 years older than my daughter is now.. wow that is so hard to believe. I was held captive in my own thoughts. Thank goodness social media was not even invented at this time, I would have ruined myself.
Busy maybe later!….Anyways. People can change given the right “shit”. It can make them nice. Then greedy. Then make them realize their being greedy.
I know I am talking about drugs here. No one ever starts doing them thinking “I want to be an addict”. That is never the intention. It’s to “hang out” “have a good time with friends” and all those lies we tell ourselves to feel better about what we are doing. Over time it’s not fun anymore. You notice that your “friends” don’t want to share anymore. You notice that YOU don’t want to share anymore. So it begins to change…
Day before X-mas eve. Everything I’m hopen for probably won’t happen but I do want to stay festive. But I want to be with Dave too. Year ahead to go. I won’t worry.
Ya Right! =)
Christmas time is over. Will the world last long enough for another x-mas!?! It wasn’t all as planned but it was great. working for my parents is great. maybe not the pay but =) it will get better prob. New Years is right around the corner! I don’t know why people are freaking out. Why?! When the world ends that will be the greatest thing right! For all those who are saved that is. Who Beleive. It will end so much pain and illness and poverty. I’m happy now thats all that matters to me. I know where my place is!! Alls well that ends well. I would like to me married and watch my kids grow up. But maybe this world is getting to crazy to live in anyways. If everybody was just like me-n-dave it would be perfect. Ya right!
PEACE LOVE UNITY & RESPECT
PLUR- We had started going to raves and this was the motto at that time. Everyone thought that the world was going to end in 2000. Dave and I were living in a one bedroom apartment in Auburn, AL on Debardeleben Street to be exact. One of very few apartments still standing from 20+ years ago. We invited all our friends to come since we were only a few blocks away from Toomers Corner and they were doing a ball drop that year. Most of these memories I have blocked out so I am sitting here trying to recall and decide what is to much to share lol. It seems surreal thinking back honestly.. I remember feeling champagne hit my face at the stroke of 12 as we were walking through the crowd downtown and watching what seemed like everyone kiss someone… Where was my someone? Just once I would like to kiss someone at 12 on New Years…
“I would like to be married and watch my kids grow up” That one stings. Married for 14 years and divorced- I get my daughter every other week, 26 weeks a year to be exact. I’m watching her grow up alright.. not the way I thought I would and missing half her life… It’s a gut wrenching pain and I pray hard that she does not let my choices define her but that she makes much smarter choices and pays better attention to what she is doing with her life.
This was my last entry in December and not a single post in January 2000.