She is in me refers to my daughter who fills my soul. I love my daughter so very much, she is what wakes me each morning to fight another day.
It has been put on my heart to share my story- in the hopes that someone going through anything similar to the many things I have been through can know, they are not alone. Good people do make bad choices but please don't let them define you. Time truly does change everything... and often.
I talked to Justin today! March 18th AK & Nockternal. He might get us the tickets. ?We will meet him & stay. that the plan. -Reminder to tell Dave when I get home. 11:10am
March 3 2000 TGIF
Today’s Friday. thank goodness wonder what todays or rather this weekend will Be maybe me & Dave can be together. Just Us. Whooooooo =)
(“Justin” was my best friend) He passed away in 2016. He moved back to Atlanta after high school. He did get us tickets, if I remember correctly. Guess we will find out as I continue with the journal entries. Did I ever tell Dave? What happened from 3/1/2000-3/3/2000?I suppose we will see lots of “gaps” in days. To be honest I more that likely finally fell asleep and slept for 2-3 days after being up for 3-4 days straight.
March 6, 2000
Okay. the weekend was fun. Drunk for the first time in about a year 1/2 or so. (remember I am 19 years old at this time) Don’t tell anyone though. (Really Kat- who is your journal going to “tell” SMH) It was fun. Went to Alex City. Everyone there was trying to be something they aren’t. There the people who make fun of you in public But behind closed doors they want to be your “friend” so to speak. Why can’t people just except things and each other. Everyone has good AND Bad points.
Okay. Tonight I smoked Opium. It’s a different feelings or either okay nevermind. I can’t think right now. –Later on found out it wasn’t opium at all but, dried up incents, still got a buzz though. Maybe it was cut.
I remember going to someones house in Alex City on that weekend in 2000. We were dressed in our kikwear jeans or better known as “rave clothes”. When we walked in I remember everyone whispering and could tell they were making fun of us. I got drunk because after all, who cared? Some of them were curious about us.. it was obvious we probably had stuff to share.. and we did…
I have no idea where the “opium” came from to know if it was fake or not when we smoked it. It was, later on, we were told it wasn’t- but whatever it was made enough impact for me to write about. I think about the crap kids are doing today...
I just want to scream “DON’T DO IT!” “IT’S NOT WORTH IT” “FIND NEW FRIENDS” The truth is- I had some of the best friends ever during that time. They watched out for me and other people in our “group” Until it became more than something to do recreationally… Until waking up depended on having what you needed to “wake up” and actually get out of bed. Making it to work meant getting high before, during lunch, in the bathroom, and of course, after work to celebrate making it through the day. Having things like food and electricity where optional.
Okay the last day of the month is upon us once again. Hold on I odn’t like this pen. Wait. In a few months or so I feel that my life will make another turning point. (1) me and Dave will find a new home and move porbably to Notasoga. My lawsuit with Pizza Pro will probably be settled after June or so, but I still try to look negative at that one subject. Excited I am very. I love Dave and Spaz. AK1200 play March 18th. That’s my Goal next month. Think I can make it! (I did make it FHAT PARTY)
Oh what a night! Night after Gurrelia Beats Party!
I tell you the truth. Grammerly was the best thing that ever happened to me. Pizza Pro was a local business that I worked at while I was in high school. I entered into a lawsuit with them for sexual harassment. I can not remember if I was still in school or already graduated when the lawsuit kicked off but I know it went on for years and was the worst thing (to start with) I had ever been through. All these women in the #metoo movement getting ridiculed for not speaking up sooner… I know why they don’t, gezzz lousie. You can wear a tape recorderto work and have others testify that it happened to them too and they still try to make YOU look like the one who asked for it. I can’t imagine being rich and famous or trying to start a career. It truly would have been easier to just walk away.. That’s not me though. They were wrong. Grown men and we were just kids (16 & 17), wrong is wrong except in lawsuits. It’s what you can prove, disprove, or how bad you can make someone look that really counts, no matter how old they are. As the lawsuit was nearing the end it didn’t help that I was becoming more and more strung out..
There is something to be said about revisiting the past. The past can not be changed and the future isn’t here yet so why worry- it’s called the present for a reason. I know it sounds so clichéto say it but- wow. Since starting this blog on New Years Eve (2019) I have started to remember things I have blocked out of my mind…You know we do that to heal right? I have been nervous about using names, places, etc. and decided that some will just have to be changed. While my journey is mine to share it isn’t someone else to share. It has taken me… many years to do this.. the last time I tried about 7 or 8 years ago it sent me in a downward spiral. No one noticed but… not really the point…… I put my journals up and haven’t picked them up since…The closet I got to speaking and sharing my testimony (or a small portion) was with the youth at my churchin 2013...Later on that was used against me and rocked my faith to it’s core.
The best thing about our Lord is- HE does not give up on us. He pursues us with and endless love. After all, was He not falsely accused, beaten, spit on, and hung up on a cross to die? Yes, yes he was. Never saying a word. Yet we want to blame someone, anyone, for anything and everything in our lives. Blah, blah, blah. Poor us.
My apologies- I hit a nerve and rabbit trail at the same time. Stay with me. I’m not promising that it gets better but if you are in to ramblings- your are in the right place.
I did not have the mental strength to do a journal entry tonight. I know what is coming and honestly I am praying for His guidance on how to proceed. Keeping the objective in mind and being careful not to take unnecessary punches. But necessary punches… that could be fun… dang it.. did it again.
A friend recently said to me “Kat remember those guys that use to take care of us when we would party? They would keep us safe?” Me “Yes, yes I do” (thinking of my best friend who has passed, my boyfriend at the time, and the boys from Eclectic, Alabama who would bury someone with a quickness) Friend “They don’t exist anymore”
Me “That is so sad.”
I must be marrying the last gentleman on earth. 🙂 Yay me!
February 2000 continues tomorrow. (Look at me, all grown up and can spell February now) Thanks Grammarly! 🙂
febuary 22, 2000 (I was not (still ain’t)a good speller)
Okay when someone gets a journal why do they never keep it up?! Or is that just me! Probably just me did I ever tell you where I live right now. 115 N Debarbaladen Apt 36 Auburn AL 36830 here I love the sceen. Most of the people are out there. But some are pretty cool. I have a wonderful boyfriend/soulmate we are perfect.
Well I guess that nothing would seem perfect but really what can I say is wrong. I don’t worry about money like I use to cause I know were gonna make it. We have this strong sick sence. Sometimes we can fell miles apart, but closeness dosen’t even describe our compatabily. We have a cat named Spaz who is pretty much out there somewhere. But we love her. She lets you love her on her own time!
to be quite honest we have alot of people who really like us. Or at least they call and want us to hang out all the time =) Whitch is cool. I guess were not to sociable really but I don’t care cause I know in the end it will just be Kat-n-Dave. Or rather Dave & Kat!
What happened to Valentines……………
when ever you grace something, it slaps you in the face nothing will ever break me & Dave everything can fall apart but as long as I have “us” I can make it threw anything…….I’m high…. Febuary 23, 2000
I loved Dave so very much and I honestly believe a part of me always will.I was 19 years old when I made this entry. I went from being a no one in high school with only a handful of friends to the girl… the couple.. that everyone wanted to hang out with. It was at this time everyone started calling me Kat. Dave and Kat. I can’t remember who started calling me Kat first, no one in school did. No one in Tallassee, AL did at that time. More than likely when I hear “Hey Katrina” its my parents or high school classmates. I loved Kat. She was confident, popular, funny, and invited to all the parties. I had the cool, laid back boyfriend, who was also super funny and always down for a good time. We respected everyone and it seemed, everyone respected us too.
It’s amazing how “things” can bring out the emotions hid far somewhere an by the end of the “rollar coaster” everything seems somewhat the same yet closer in the whole scene. Same people same shit. What about same shit new people. Somewhere out there? Just thinking. I do have good friends. But theres more to explore. Let my worries beside themselves. And try to think free. After all I’m still that age!?
Still that age? I was 19 at this time. 9 years older than my daughter is now.. wow that is so hard to believe. I was held captive in my own thoughts. Thank goodness social media was not even invented at this time, I would have ruined myself.
Busy maybe later!….Anyways. People can change given the right “shit”. It can make them nice. Then greedy. Then make them realize their being greedy.
I know I am talking about drugs here. No one ever starts doing them thinking “I want to be an addict”. That is never the intention. It’s to “hang out” “have a good time with friends” and all those lies we tell ourselves to feel better about what we are doing. Over time it’s not fun anymore. You notice that your “friends” don’t want to share anymore. You notice that YOU don’t want to share anymore. So it begins to change…
Day before X-mas eve. Everything I’m hopen for probably won’t happen but I do want to stay festive. But I want to be with Dave too. Year ahead to go. I won’t worry. Ya Right! =)
Christmas time is over. Will the world last long enough for another x-mas!?! It wasn’t all as planned but it was great. working for my parents is great. maybe not the pay but =) it will get better prob. New Years is right around the corner! I don’t know why people are freaking out. Why?! When the world ends that will be the greatest thing right! For all those who are saved that is. Who Beleive. It will end so much pain and illness and poverty. I’m happy now thats all that matters to me. I know where my place is!! Alls well that ends well. I would like to me married and watch my kids grow up. But maybe this world is getting to crazy to live in anyways. If everybody was just like me-n-dave it would be perfect. Ya right! PEACE LOVE UNITY & RESPECT PLUR!!
PLUR- We had started going to raves and this was the motto at that time. Everyone thought that the world was going to end in 2000. Dave and I were living in a one bedroom apartment in Auburn, AL on Debardeleben Street to be exact. One of very few apartments still standing from 20+ years ago. We invited all our friends to come since we were only a few blocks away from Toomers Corner and they were doing a ball drop that year. Most of these memories I have blocked out so I am sitting here trying to recall and decide what is to much to share lol. It seems surreal thinking back honestly.. I remember feeling champagne hit my face at the stroke of 12 as we were walking through the crowd downtown and watching what seemed like everyone kiss someone… Where was my someone? Just once I would like to kiss someone at 12 on New Years…
“I would like to be married and watch my kids grow up” That one stings. Married for 14 years and divorced- I get my daughter every other week, 26 weeks a year to be exact. I’m watching her grow up alright.. not the way I thought I would and missing half her life… It’s a gut wrenching pain and I pray hard that she does not let my choices define her but that she makes much smarter choices and pays better attention to what she is doingwith her life.
This was my last entry in December and not a single post in January 2000.
After three blog posts I feel it is important to clarify that this is being done for ME. This is something God has put on MY heart. For years I have struggled with where to start. I didn’t want to use anyone’s name and them be upset at me. I always thought the way my penmanship changed was important, but how do I share it where people can see it? I realize, more than ever, that I will receive judgement, criticism, and/or rejection as this continues. What I am trying very hard to do is keep the focus on what I have went through. Not who or what someone else did. I know people that have been through way more than I can imagine- but I have been through allot too.
If sharing this helps even one person to not give up- to God be the glory.
Notice the constant change in penmanship- ALL CAPS in this entry. No social media at this time. No texting. Typing or texting ALL CAPS is known as yelling in todays world.. I was yelling.. and didn’t even realize it…
As my own luck would have it, I’ve lost my job. Mon-Fri 8-5. It really wasn’t to bad. Why does it hafe-to be this way. If I want something or like something. It falls apart. I won’t let that happen w/ me -n- Dave. Have a Merry X-mas, How could they even say it. I just hope the New Year will bring forth peace, and happiness. I shall not get down on myself, emotions are the hardest to control. Sometimes I wish there was a switch to help me out.
Again Dec. 14th
It’s amazing how one altercation can change your course of direction. Before I know it my life is about to change again into another direction. Change could possibly be for the better by many means. People lose jobs everyday. It doesn’t mean that its the end of the day. Just a day period. God will take care of me!! A Dave will keep me strong.
A nephew is the coolest thing!! Makes you feel important in someones life. The relationship that I have with my aunt is really close. I hope that mine with Thomas J Buckner (T.J.) is just as wonderful.
Christmas time is here.
Januaray 2nd 2020
If bad grammar and incorrect punctuation bother you, better tighten your seat belt or better yet- get off the short bus . Now. 🙂
I was soooo excited about becoming an aunt! Aunts are the people you tell things you can’t tell your parents and do all the fun stuff with. They are basically like grandparents only younger.
My nephew is 21 now. Do I know him? No, not really. I don’t know his favorite color or music. How high school was for him. What he wants to do with his life. What his fears are. I have seen him probably 20 times or less his entire life. What I DO know is what I have seen on social media and what I have gathered from the conversations we have had together. I love him and he loves me- that I know.
21 years passed since I made the first journal entry that will start this blog and it just goes to show you, things do not go the way you think they are supposed to go in life.
In 9 hours we will all be saying goodbye to 2019 and hello to a brand spanking new decade! Are you excited? I am! It’s not just a new year people. It’s a new decade! I am starting this new adventure with eyes wide open. All in and ready to go!
Upon the horizon I hear wedding bells, I see a beautiful wedding and an amazing honey moon with the man I fell in love with 20 years ago, a baby crying, fighting with my pre-teen about her clothes and for gosh sakes TAKE A BATH, co-parenting with my ex, panic attacks, tears of- why am I crying again?, questioning the 18 year old living in my house, why did I agree to another dog, and work? Oh don’t get me started! I love my job but this is not the place for that. Oh the happy times that await us..
I digress- If you are going to read my blogs I am giving you advanced notice. Pay attention. I will start something mid sentence and expect you to know what I am talking about and change directions in the blink of an eye. My bad.
My next post will start at the beginning. Well, the beginning of my journal entries.