Four years ago today on June 10th, 2017 I walked away… I walked away from the life I had know for almost 20 years. I walked away from the vows I made, the business I helped build, the big house, the “friends” that came every weekend that are no where to be found now, the ability to go stay on beautiful Lake Martin that would “one day be ours”, financial security, a loving extended family whom I miss so very much. I also walked away from crying myself to sleep every night in my own room, being told I couldn’t do anything right or that whatever went wrong was always my fault, being talked down to like I was stupid, doing everything from birthday parties to church events to family get togethers alone. I also walked away from my faith in God. All that praying for change that never came. All the small group sessions I attended alone, the marriage classes I attended alone, the community outreaches I attended alone. Being at church every time the doors where open hoping that one day my faithfulness would be rewarded.. it doesn’t work that way.. I know.
Then one day… June 10th, something clicked when I heard the words “When you have time for me” and all I could think was.. when I have time…WHEN I HAVE TIME… all these years BUT.. when I have time.. I knew in that moment it was time. Time to walk away. I wish it was as easy as it sounds as I write this. The last 4 years have been nothing short of a living hell for my daughter, me, my family, him, his parents, and so many others that MY decision impacted. I will be forever burdened by the trauma that has been caused to so many people. However, I will not apologize. I know I did what was right for me and my daughter. No matter the HELL we have been put through because of it.
Today four years later it is still tender…still painful to think about and see the impact it has had on my daughter. She was only 8.. now 12. She has grown up fast. She is in therapy as am I. We are going to be ok. This will not break us. This has made us stronger.
Today I am not alone anymore. I don’t fight battles alone, pray alone, go to church alone, go out alone, cry alone, I don’t live this life anymore feeling alone. The worst feeling in the world is having someone there and feeling all alone. Today I feel more love that I have ever felt in my life and all I can think is “I am not worthy” but I will take it, all of it.
Today I finally know what TRUE LOVE looks and feels like. My daughter knows what a father’s love is supposed to look and feel like. She see’s how a husband is supposed to treat his wife, love and support her. Even now we are facing the hardest season I have ever been through (and I just thought divorce was rough) I would not wish this season of death and sickness on ANYONE. God knew this season was coming and He knew I would need someone by my side to hold me up, wipe my tears, and love me when I am truly at my worst. God knew I would need a man to carry me through this and that Katelyn would need stability and consistency.
So in a way I guess you can say my faithfulness has been rewarded with a love that most people spend their entire lives looking for. We may not have done it all the right way but God makes beauty from ashes and we defiantly blazed the way to get to where we are today.
I am thankful for the season of darkness that began June 10th 2017.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: Only love can do that.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.