Some time ago it came up in my grief group I am in to write a letter to my grief… I never did it… Reason being it would have been filled with colorful language and HATE so thick no one would have wanted to read it. Not that I have people even reading these posts, but it would have made for what I can only describe a pure hate.

Not that me and my grief are friends now or anything… I still despise it, but I don’t hate it anymore… after all, it is part of who I am now. So here it is.. a letter to my grief.

Dear Grief,

You have been in and out of my life since a very young age.. My grandmother, on my mom’s side, passed away when I was 12, or somewhere close to that. My mom took care of my grandmother after she had surgery to remove a brain aneurysm and she lived with us and my mom took care of her. That was my first experience with you, but I was so young.. I didn’t really “grieve” but my mom sure did- the rest of her life she grieved the loss of her mom.

Today, I understand what my mom was feeling all those years without her mom to call upon. My daughter is 13 and I would give anything to call my mom and ask for her help and guidance on raising my daughter.. or just to hear her say “I love you my daughter” again.. but death took her, and YOU are a constant reminder of that ugly truth.

On September 18th, 2016, is when you and I got very up close and personal. I don’t even know how got from my car to the church parking lot or how I was picked up off the pavement by the preachers’ daughter… I didn’t know you had the power to make me scream like that and even blackout.. The one person in this world, that was not family, had died in a wreck on the way to work that Sunday morning. I called him “My brother from another mother” and my mom called him “son”. His death is when you and I really came face to face and I felt a loss like I had never felt before. This loss changed my entire life. You began to change me too in the week after his death.

I have lost all my grandparents, cousins, my dog, a cat, and another big one I grieve was my divorce on April 24, 2018. I lost an entire family I loved very much after 15+ years… and I grieve the childhood that was ripped from my daughter. Is there not a loss you don’t make your way in to??

My cousin Michael died in January 2021, my Aunt Lynn February 2021, my sister April 2021, my mom got diagnosed with brain cancer April 2021 and passed June 2021. What can I say? I truly HATE you some days!!!. I was always taught never even say “hate”. Noone should ever have to deal with this kind of grief. You made me want to, at one point, take my own life. I was in what I can only describe as “complete darkness”. In that moment everything in my life was gone. Everyone and everything I had my entire life was gone!!!. NEVER coming back- ever. I did not want to live anymore because the weight of it all outweighed my reality. Thank goodness the Lord can break through any darkness! Ohhhh how I thank you Lord!!!!

I started having to see someone, joined a grief group, and got my family going to church because you were beating me down so much, I did not want to fight you anymore. Man, you are strong when you want to be. BUT- my God is stronger.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” 2 Chronicles 20:15

I have learned that I cannot fight you alone, I must reach out for help. You remind me of the many blessings in my life and not to take them for granted. You changed the way the sun rises and sets, how the seasons change, how the flowers bloom, how the wind blows, how I hear music, how I look at the sky and the birds and butterflies. Everything is now a sign from my loved ones above and a reminder of my loved ones still here that need me.

I can’t call you my friend, you are simply my grief now. You are real and here to stay. As my mom grieved her mom the rest of her life, I too will grieve mine and the rest of my friends and family that have passed. I used to tell my mom “You still have us here?” and would get mad that she would be so upset about her mom after all those years.. I didn’t get it. Bet I do now…

You are the one thing in this life that doesn’t die. People don’t “get over it” it doesn’t “get better with time” at least not for me you haven’t. That 1st year was a fog, I don’t even remember the rest of 2021 through the holidays. You were so thick. As we approach the 2nd holiday without them, could you please back off? I know that you won’t. I will pray and fight you all the days of my life, till I can dwell in the house of the Lord forever. You won’t get to me in heaven grief!! You WON’T get me there. You are like a stinky fart that follows someone around… Can’t see you, but you are defiantly there.

I am sure we will be seeing each other real soon.

Not your friend,
Kat

I am half way through my 40 days of fasting from social media. I must say it has been a big relief…The first few days I felt lost.. like I didn’t know what was going on.. (I did keep candy crush, but I don’t use it.. that much LOL!) I have been using my Bible app everyday.. I figured out things I did not know it did.. A place to put prayers, then mark when answered.. Compare verses used in different versions of the Bible.. Connect with other believers and much more!

This morning as I was struggling mentally.. the last couple of days have been mixed emotions as I got my full mental diagnosis from my doctor on Tuesday (10/18/22). I opened my Bible app to do my study this morning it was on one simple word. Breathe. Breathe in God’s love, kindness, patience, joy, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. Breathe out the anxiety, panic, hate, sorrow, GRIEF, sadness, and feelings of being unworthy. It said to keep my mouth closed and breathe in and out my nose.. praying these things.. What came to me? Clarity. I have been putting my hope in medications and supplements.. and while now my physical body is fighting to get off these things it is affecting my mind even more. Not in a good way either.

My God can rescue me. My hope is in Jesus Christ as I fight this.. The Lord knew that this battle was coming. It was not just an idea to fast social media.. 20 days after I began fasting I was seeing the doctor and devastated with the diagnosis and plans to change my meds.. Instead of running to “make a post” I ran to my Bible app and some of my sisters in Christ. Praise the Lord for these women!!

Jesus plans out every detail of our lives.. He knows what lies ahead. He knew I would need to completely look to Him to get me through this darkness.. heal my mental illness.. and I pray that SOON, He would take it all away.

God is in this story – by Big Daddy Weave and Katy Nichole

A year ago, today (10/21/22) I was driving in the pouring down rain, alone and crying out to the Lord in a desperation. 14 days prior my daddy and I had made the almost 2-hour drive to Beacon Behavioral Hospital. We took my then 12-year-old after many attempts at suicide, had begun cutting, and was just a shell of a person. I can’t accurately describe what this momma was feeling…but I can try.

Failure as a mother.

Helpless.

Alone.

Confused.

Angry.

Sad.

Hopeful.

Resentment.

I tried to put myself in her shoes and quit swimming in my own self-pity. Telling myself to “pull it together” and “she needs you now more than ever” which just caused a panic attack. I pulled over. I prayed. And prayed, and prayed, and prayed. How could I help her when I was an even bigger mess mentally, emotionally, and physically? The day we left her there kept playing over in my head… All I could think about was what if something happens here, I can’t protect her? Will she be, ok? Will they help her? Am I doing the right thing?? I have to be doing the right thing… this had to be the right thing for her… Utterly and completely helpless but so thankful my daddy was with me. When I got home, I cried for a long time in the shower… I cried every single day for her… Hating myself for all she had been put through at such a young age. I failed her as a mother… something I still to this day struggle with at times…

After only being able to speak for 30 minutes a day on the phone for 14 days when my baby came through those doors, I never wanted to let go of her!! Ever!!! I vowed I would protect her no matter the cost, be strong for her, and pull myself out of the depression I was in. That proved to be harder to do than I thought… She was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, PTSD, anxiety, and gender dysmorphia. We had allot of self-work to do since I too had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety… I later found out I have a panic disorder and insomnia. I HAD to be better for her though. I just had to be. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

I went to work part time. I made sure I was always with her for almost 8 months. I never left her alone. I’ve continued to pray every single day and today I could not be prouder of this now young lady. Smarter than she should be, well rounded in her thinking and judgment. The personal therapist of her friends, me, and my husband. LOL! She says that smiling now… She is going to change lives one day! I just know God has put a calling on her life too.

She continued with therapy; I was in therapy too. Both of us still so angry with what had happened with her father. Her anger burned and affected all her relationships and how she saw herself. I didn’t know what to do honestly. Imagine the terror and helplessness of thinking you could come home one day and find you child… wondering if, as a mother, what you were doing was enough. Knowing that I myself was struggling with grief so heavy I could not even get through the days without breaking down. Every. Single. Day. We kept on moving forward though. Seeing her fight, made me fight harder too.

On October 16, 2022, my husband and I were baptized. It was an absolutely amazing day. The best part, watching my daughter walk down the steps into that pool. I couldn’t believe it; it was truly a GOD MOMENT! I could not hold back the tears as the music played and I watched my baby girl talk with Pastor Jason. I looked at my husband and he was crying right along with me. When she came out of that water the smile on her face was that of pure happiness and contentment. My constant prayer was that the Lord would continue to chase after her and that she would receive His power to overcome the hurt, anger, and resentment that she had carried for so long.

I had finally forgiven myself, which allowed me to forgive my ex-husband and his family. The weight of it all was gone. I knew exactly what she was feeling when she came out of that water and this momma’s heart was bursting with love for her and for our Savior Jesus Christ!!!

Isn’t it amazing how God works? I no longer have to feel completely helpless.

Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Here we go again, I think to myself. Yet this time feels more authentic, more real, more spiritual. Maybe age has given me the feeling that this time its going to be different. This time I am older and have the ability to really stay the course and not get weary or exhausted at trying to do what is right. What the Lord is calling for me to do.. Today is a new day. I have never fasted before. I’ve heard it preached many times and felt led, but never followed through. Today starts 40 days of fasting from social media. No facebook, snapchat, or twitter. Only my bible app to open on my phone. No public announcement or way to share my blog posts. Just me letting the Lord guide my steps and direct me in the way He wants me to go. This blog post is part of those steps. I believe now that we (or maybe just me lol) do get exhausted and weary because the good work is not what we truly WANT to do. It’s to hard. It’s much easier to give in to this world and our selfish desires, forgetting that God has something much bigger and better planed for us.

The last 5 years have been long and filled with much. To keep looking back is to not move forward, right?. How do you not look back though? I have heard so many times “Kat, you have been through so much” Yes. Yes I have. So have so many others. As I listened to the ladies pray this morning, many for their children, spouses, brothers, and sisters. I kept asking the Lord to give me the words to help ease their hurt and know you God can bring anyone home to You. I have been the prodigal, wayward child, too many times. The Lord has pursued me passionately and at times it has felt relentless. So, my prayer was to acknowledge being the prodigal child that you brought back again, and again, Thank you Lord!

A new journey with the Lord has started (again lol) (did it ever really end? I think not, not on God’s part, just mine) God never left me, not ever. I just got lost in my hurt, grief, and the darkness that consumed my little world. I am coming out of the darkness, in to a new light. I am seeing and feeling the Lord work in ways I never have before. I am more willing than ever to let Him use me. I don’t know what that looks like, I don’t know yet what His plan is. I do know- I am ready to start again.

To God be the Glory.

The song “Scars in Heaven” written by Casting Crowns was released in 2022. When I heard it I cried, like it was written just for my mom. My mom had lots of scars. Visible and Invisible. Mom was hit by an ice cream truck when she was 5 years old (I believe that is the correct age) I remember seeing a black and white photo of her and all the casts and a body brace she was in. The wreck nearly took off her thumb, she had a large round scar above her ear where she was dragged and her hair was pulled from her scalp. She had many physical scares that I watched her hide my entire life.

When I was little she would let me brush her hair while we watched “Days of our Lives” It was then I saw the scar on her head and she told me what happened. She was going after an ice cream truck- crossed the road and was hit. During my mother’s life she endured many physical scars along the way….now she is in heaven and the only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold her now.

As long as we are alive on this earth we will get scars. Physical, mental, and emotional scars. This could be our own doing, the actions of someone else, or just simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time..

I have scars on my body from surgeries, injuries, etc. I also have scars on my heart and within my very soul. Some I caused myself, allowing hate in, grief, anger, resentment, jealousy, and the list goes on. I can not rightfully blame anyone for the long suffering I have endured. Though my mom was in no way a “quiet woman” she still suffered with her scars that could not be seen too. I enjoyed those talks we had after her brain surgery.. She told me so many things I never knew… and now cherish… As I listen to the recordings I made of her talking.. I missed so much, in that moment of her talking, now I hear her message so clearly… She kept saying after surgery “No one listens to me anymore” – So glad I recorded what I was missing her say at the time..

In the end she told me “I have made my peace with my Lord and I am ready when he calls me home”

After telling me this… she was gone less than a month later. Her words have stuck with me. I do not want to suffer with my scars until the very end. The Lord gave me a testimony, not to be used against me, but to share in the hope that His Love, His Mercy, His Grace, His Forgiveness be used as a witness to His children. We are called to bear each others burdens. Help the widows and children and those that have been “cast away” like I was. God will use His people. I am living proof of that.

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Job 12:10 

In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.

If I had only known the last time would be the last time
I would’ve put off all the things I had to do
I would’ve stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter
Now what I’d give for one more day with you
‘Cause there’s a wound here in my heart where something’s missing
And they tell me that it’s gonna heal with time
But I know you’re in a place where all your wounds have been erased
And knowing yours are healed is healing mine

~ Casting Crowns ~

Goodbye 2021. Officially the hardest year of my entire 41 years. Be Gone!!

I love how “New Year’s” always requires (most of us) to reflect on the last year or years.. I have had Facebook for 12 years and one of the first things that I do in the mornings is look at my memories. It is honestly the only reason I even still have Facebook. More so now because I look at every comment on every post and read what my mom, sister, aunt, cousins, best friend, and other friends that have passed said in response.

So many of the people I loved most in this life are gone. A very good friend got me involved with a grief group that meets weekly. I can honestly say, pretty sure this has saved my life.

So hello 2022, come on in. Sit a spell.. We gonna be alright.

The hardest thing (for me) in life is to ask for help for anything. I would rather Google, watch a YouTube video, or I may chat with a friend or family for direction when I am at a complete loss on parenting my kiddo. Don’t get me wrong, I am super appreciative of my girls I can call on when life just hits out of nowhere, again. What about when I have shut down? It happened one Saturday.. Complete shut down. I could not even hide it. I always try to hide it from my very punctilious daughter. She’s 12 and I need to be a good example of someone overcoming “life”. She knows it is ok to get down, just don’t stay there. Oh and my favorite “We all have those days, rest and tomorrow start again!”

This is something more that I can not shake. I’ve found myself researching depression and emotional breakdowns. According to online testing I am severely depressed… ya think? Like I am truly at a point where I need to ask for help from a professional.

I have often seen this with other people and wonder.. “how’d they get there?” or “they just want attention” this is quite the opposite. I feel I must write about it to get the thoughts out of my head and so that I can go back in 10 years and read about “How far I’ve come” in the event I am even still here.

Back in early October this year my daughter expressed to me that she was having thoughts of suicide.. I did not “freak out” but I was alarmed. Called her doctors, and got her the help she needed. Since she’s been home she has not had these thoughts and she has made some great progress managing her mental health. I am so very proud of her. To know your child attempted suicide… to think you failed as a parent on THAT level… as a mother you lose some of yourself. You question your confidence as a parent. I know I did and still do..

Since writing what was just read I joined a grief group and went to my first meeting. Had it not been for reaching out to a knowing friend in my same boat, just different waters, I would still be gasping for breath. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am not ok… and that’s ok. However, listening to these women share their grief… knowing that they truly understand what I am feeling and feeling their own as well…it gives me hope.

Hope is something I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Just get through it…

Just as I was starting to feel the “new normal” of life without my loved ones the holidays came and they came in LOUD and PROUD. At moments I feel as if I am hanging on by a thin thin string… then I hear “Momma, you busy?” and I snap myself into the reality that is my life now. Knowing I have a small human that NEEDS me. Everyone (including me) has let her down. She needs to see and know that this life, while it is brutal and hard, and people come and go, it is also beautiful, exciting, and fun. With the right attitude of course. After all isn’t it a choice?? That is exactly what we are told. CHOOSE to be happy, CHOOSE to be confident, successful, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Got it.

I have not written in so long.. and I feel that all my emotions are now stuck in my head. Making their way out with every sound, song, word, picture, or whatever jars a memory that brings tears to my eyes. They all do it. Then I am screaming at myself CHOOSE HAPPY KAT! I wish it was that simple and I guess for some it truly is. Not me. I am pretty sure my husband has whiplash from my ever changing emotions. Walking on eggs shell’s and “what will she be like today?” I feel the same way my sweet hubby. Let me just say my husband is truly a God send. I don’t deserve him.

At church Sunday Pastor Jason spoke about really looking at all we have to be thankful for. Yes. I do have allot to be thankful for. No doubt. However 2021 no matter how you slice it has been hell. I almost destroyed my marriage in January to start the year off by falling in to old coping habits I developed from being married 15 years to a narcissist, then (also in January) my cousin’s untimely death after getting hit on his motorcycle was followed by the death of my aunt, February 7th (my mom’s sister), two months later on my brothers Birthday (April 5th) my sister is found and I have the chilling responsibly to drive to my dad’s work and tell him his oldest daughter…, then April 28th my mom is diagnosed with brain cancer and after a 2 month BATTLE she passes away on June 28th… 4 months of grieving only to find out my daughter has attempted suicide not once but 3x and ends up staying 14 days in a mental hospital thanks to the mental abuse of her father she had been suppressing for over a year… 2 weeks before my mother’s passing I went to court with my ex-husband and he was sentenced to 12 months in county for domestic violence. THAT my dear friends is the only blessing this year that I got. I know how that sounds, but when you get messages of hate, threats of being harmed, blasted on social media, every day, and trash talked to anyone and everyone who will listen in this tiny town- PLUS knowing he is on drugs. You can’t help but know it is only a matter of time before the ticking time bomb explodes. His actions had me honestly scared for my life, knowing just how narcissistic he truly is. I have to believe that God allowed him going away so that my daughter, my husband, and myself could make it through what was coming. Or maybe God allowed him to hit rock bottom so he would cry out to the Lord! Man oh man wouldn’t that be great!!! I do pray that happens… for Katelyn and his family. I truly do. As long as I am alive he will not get near her unless that has happened and he is walking the walk.

We sold our house and finally got moved to my parents land and in the trailer. Moved my daddy next door so we could all be together and take care of each other. I kept thinking “once we get moved I will have peace” I will take care of daddy and be “home” and it will all be ok. I wish I could say that were true. I LOVE being “home” and everywhere I look I see a memory. My parents bought that land and we moved there when I was 8 years old. (I am 41 now) My dad’s parents moved up there and my parents took care of them till they passed. I know where my place is.

So why do I feel lost now more than ever? The fog has returned and even though we have found a church and are going and getting involved… something is coming..changing..something is happening. My mind is at war and my soul can not find rest.

Do I post this? Or just keep as a draft like so many others… Oh what to do.

I want to go home..

Three weeks today you have been gone.. .. In three short weeks my world has changed forever in a way like never before. When my best friend, Jeremy Kile, died on September 18th 2016 it felt like the earth had been taken from under my feet as I was picked up in the parking lot of my church by my then pastors daughter. A friend drove me to my house. Her husband, I think, drove my car.. its a blur… However, everything was different after that. Life looked shorter.. Since then 6 people have passed that I was close too.. I am no stranger to grief.. Even my divorce felt like a funeral and death of a loved one. In essence it was. I lost an entire family. It was earth shattering and I have days still that get me. Divorce is very much like losing someone you love even if you don’t love the person you divorced. You still lose an entire life that you built with that person and all the traditions and family connections.. they die. It sucks.

However, when a mom dies.. home isn’t home anymore. Breathing hurts and the minutes are LONG. Who do I call now about how long to boil eggs? Or OMG my daughter is just like me, WHAT DO I DO? No one can give you advise like your mom because your mom knows every inch of you inside and out. She can tell you the best way to handle a situation because she knows how you react to things. No one can replace that. It’s just not possible.

I see why people say “Take as much time as you need”. I feel like I should be “better” by now.. like I should somehow be able to magically make it through an entire day without crying or throwing up. Yeah.. I would like that too. It’s just not going to happen no matter how hard I try.

I have a wonderful husband now who seems to understand, or tries really hard. I can’t explain why I can’t sit still in my own skin to just watch T.V. with him.. I have to keep moving and doing things. Most of the time, I can’t do hugs and kisses. I can’t even breathe. I can’t be touched, I can’t even really have a conversation without ending up in tears so why talk? This is all very unhealthy for a relationship. I of all people am a product of not being loved physically or emotionally, so I know I must make myself fight for my sweetheart and his needs as my husband. Same for my daughter. She must feel and see that love. She must know that even when the world is falling apart we have to try and keep it together and fight for those that fight for us. She knows it’s ok to not be ok. She lost a grandmother after all. I also know how I handle this is having a very big impact on her at just 12 years old. These 2 have grown closer in the last three weeks as I have fought what I see now will be a daily battle..

Three weeks momma. How I would love to hear you laugh other than on my recordings. See you, hug you, smell you, and talk with you. I miss you so much but I am gonna be ok. I am going to take care of my daddy and family because that is what you would have wanted. You didn’t want us crying when you were sick. Now I think about that and how you would say “stop it!” and I stop. .. Well I try. It’s just so dang hard.

I have to remember though, I am a mom and wife, and my daughter and husband need me to be home when I am here because, Home is where your mom is and that’s exactly where I want to be.

“How are you?” This has to be the worst question in the world now. I know people ask this all the time and the usual “I’m good” is the response. Even if you aren’t “good” this is the response.

When I hear the words now “How are you?” I just start crying. I can’t even lie my way through with an eye roll and short laugh like before. What should I say? I’m hurting down to my bones and sometimes I can’t find the air to breathe. My stomach stays in knots and in my chest is a heaviness that has found a home I guess. When I see mom commercials, cancer commercials, red cardinals, the color purple, songs, or just about anything that reminds me my mom is gone- I fight back tears that come anyway.

So instead when I hear “How are you?” I tear up, hug them, and walk away. It’s all I can do and then I can feel them watching me, with a sad expression, as I make my way out of where ever I am.

How long does this last? I had gotten pretty good at masking up…but even makeup can’t hide this pain. Today is one week and it feels like it was yesterday and 20 years ago all at the same time since I hugged my momma. Trying to not get lost in the should have’s and only think about the life we had with her.. I’ve listened to the recordings I made, watched the videos.. but after one week I want more. More videos, talks, walks, hugs, kisses, and more time.

The three cardinals represent the women I’ve lost in the last 5 months that have made me who I am. My Aunt taught me to love and laugh no matter what, my sister taught me to stand strong and know what I believed in and why, my momma taught me to ask for what I want and not be scared. “They can only say no” she would say. “You can do anything you put your mind to Kat” she was my biggest fan. She encouraged me to follow my heart and supported everything I did, even if she didn’t like it. (She would let me know) She was honest and said what was on her mind. You have to respect a woman like that.

How am I? I’m gonna be ok… but right now.. I just ain’t.