Goodbye 2021. Officially the hardest year of my entire 41 years. Be Gone!!

I love how “New Year’s” always requires (most of us) to reflect on the last year or years.. I have had Facebook for 12 years and one of the first things that I do in the mornings is look at my memories. It is honestly the only reason I even still have Facebook. More so now because I look at every comment on every post and read what my mom, sister, aunt, cousins, best friend, and other friends that have passed said in response.

So many of the people I loved most in this life are gone. A very good friend got me involved with a grief group that meets weekly. I can honestly say, pretty sure this has saved my life.

So hello 2022, come on in. Sit a spell.. We gonna be alright.

The hardest thing (for me) in life is to ask for help for anything. I would rather Google, watch a YouTube video, or I may chat with a friend or family for direction when I am at a complete loss on parenting my kiddo. Don’t get me wrong, I am super appreciative of my girls I can call on when life just hits out of nowhere, again. What about when I have shut down? It happened one Saturday.. Complete shut down. I could not even hide it. I always try to hide it from my very punctilious daughter. She’s 12 and I need to be a good example of someone overcoming “life”. She knows it is ok to get down, just don’t stay there. Oh and my favorite “We all have those days, rest and tomorrow start again!”

This is something more that I can not shake. I’ve found myself researching depression and emotional breakdowns. According to online testing I am severely depressed… ya think? Like I am truly at a point where I need to ask for help from a professional.

I have often seen this with other people and wonder.. “how’d they get there?” or “they just want attention” this is quite the opposite. I feel I must write about it to get the thoughts out of my head and so that I can go back in 10 years and read about “How far I’ve come” in the event I am even still here.

Back in early October this year my daughter expressed to me that she was having thoughts of suicide.. I did not “freak out” but I was alarmed. Called her doctors, and got her the help she needed. Since she’s been home she has not had these thoughts and she has made some great progress managing her mental health. I am so very proud of her. To know your child attempted suicide… to think you failed as a parent on THAT level… as a mother you lose some of yourself. You question your confidence as a parent. I know I did and still do..

Since writing what was just read I joined a grief group and went to my first meeting. Had it not been for reaching out to a knowing friend in my same boat, just different waters, I would still be gasping for breath. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am not ok… and that’s ok. However, listening to these women share their grief… knowing that they truly understand what I am feeling and feeling their own as well…it gives me hope.

Hope is something I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Just get through it…

Just as I was starting to feel the “new normal” of life without my loved ones the holidays came and they came in LOUD and PROUD. At moments I feel as if I am hanging on by a thin thin string… then I hear “Momma, you busy?” and I snap myself into the reality that is my life now. Knowing I have a small human that NEEDS me. Everyone (including me) has let her down. She needs to see and know that this life, while it is brutal and hard, and people come and go, it is also beautiful, exciting, and fun. With the right attitude of course. After all isn’t it a choice?? That is exactly what we are told. CHOOSE to be happy, CHOOSE to be confident, successful, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Got it.

I have not written in so long.. and I feel that all my emotions are now stuck in my head. Making their way out with every sound, song, word, picture, or whatever jars a memory that brings tears to my eyes. They all do it. Then I am screaming at myself CHOOSE HAPPY KAT! I wish it was that simple and I guess for some it truly is. Not me. I am pretty sure my husband has whiplash from my ever changing emotions. Walking on eggs shell’s and “what will she be like today?” I feel the same way my sweet hubby. Let me just say my husband is truly a God send. I don’t deserve him.

At church Sunday Pastor Jason spoke about really looking at all we have to be thankful for. Yes. I do have allot to be thankful for. No doubt. However 2021 no matter how you slice it has been hell. I almost destroyed my marriage in January to start the year off by falling in to old coping habits I developed from being married 15 years to a narcissist, then (also in January) my cousin’s untimely death after getting hit on his motorcycle was followed by the death of my aunt, February 7th (my mom’s sister), two months later on my brothers Birthday (April 5th) my sister is found and I have the chilling responsibly to drive to my dad’s work and tell him his oldest daughter…, then April 28th my mom is diagnosed with brain cancer and after a 2 month BATTLE she passes away on June 28th… 4 months of grieving only to find out my daughter has attempted suicide not once but 3x and ends up staying 14 days in a mental hospital thanks to the mental abuse of her father she had been suppressing for over a year… 2 weeks before my mother’s passing I went to court with my ex-husband and he was sentenced to 12 months in county for domestic violence. THAT my dear friends is the only blessing this year that I got. I know how that sounds, but when you get messages of hate, threats of being harmed, blasted on social media, every day, and trash talked to anyone and everyone who will listen in this tiny town- PLUS knowing he is on drugs. You can’t help but know it is only a matter of time before the ticking time bomb explodes. His actions had me honestly scared for my life, knowing just how narcissistic he truly is. I have to believe that God allowed him going away so that my daughter, my husband, and myself could make it through what was coming. Or maybe God allowed him to hit rock bottom so he would cry out to the Lord! Man oh man wouldn’t that be great!!! I do pray that happens… for Katelyn and his family. I truly do. As long as I am alive he will not get near her unless that has happened and he is walking the walk.

We sold our house and finally got moved to my parents land and in the trailer. Moved my daddy next door so we could all be together and take care of each other. I kept thinking “once we get moved I will have peace” I will take care of daddy and be “home” and it will all be ok. I wish I could say that were true. I LOVE being “home” and everywhere I look I see a memory. My parents bought that land and we moved there when I was 8 years old. (I am 41 now) My dad’s parents moved up there and my parents took care of them till they passed. I know where my place is.

So why do I feel lost now more than ever? The fog has returned and even though we have found a church and are going and getting involved… something is coming..changing..something is happening. My mind is at war and my soul can not find rest.

Do I post this? Or just keep as a draft like so many others… Oh what to do.

I want to go home..

Three weeks today you have been gone.. .. In three short weeks my world has changed forever in a way like never before. When my best friend, Jeremy Kile, died on September 18th 2016 it felt like the earth had been taken from under my feet as I was picked up in the parking lot of my church by my then pastors daughter. A friend drove me to my house. Her husband, I think, drove my car.. its a blur… However, everything was different after that. Life looked shorter.. Since then 6 people have passed that I was close too.. I am no stranger to grief.. Even my divorce felt like a funeral and death of a loved one. In essence it was. I lost an entire family. It was earth shattering and I have days still that get me. Divorce is very much like losing someone you love even if you don’t love the person you divorced. You still lose an entire life that you built with that person and all the traditions and family connections.. they die. It sucks.

However, when a mom dies.. home isn’t home anymore. Breathing hurts and the minutes are LONG. Who do I call now about how long to boil eggs? Or OMG my daughter is just like me, WHAT DO I DO? No one can give you advise like your mom because your mom knows every inch of you inside and out. She can tell you the best way to handle a situation because she knows how you react to things. No one can replace that. It’s just not possible.

I see why people say “Take as much time as you need”. I feel like I should be “better” by now.. like I should somehow be able to magically make it through an entire day without crying or throwing up. Yeah.. I would like that too. It’s just not going to happen no matter how hard I try.

I have a wonderful husband now who seems to understand, or tries really hard. I can’t explain why I can’t sit still in my own skin to just watch T.V. with him.. I have to keep moving and doing things. Most of the time, I can’t do hugs and kisses. I can’t even breathe. I can’t be touched, I can’t even really have a conversation without ending up in tears so why talk? This is all very unhealthy for a relationship. I of all people am a product of not being loved physically or emotionally, so I know I must make myself fight for my sweetheart and his needs as my husband. Same for my daughter. She must feel and see that love. She must know that even when the world is falling apart we have to try and keep it together and fight for those that fight for us. She knows it’s ok to not be ok. She lost a grandmother after all. I also know how I handle this is having a very big impact on her at just 12 years old. These 2 have grown closer in the last three weeks as I have fought what I see now will be a daily battle..

Three weeks momma. How I would love to hear you laugh other than on my recordings. See you, hug you, smell you, and talk with you. I miss you so much but I am gonna be ok. I am going to take care of my daddy and family because that is what you would have wanted. You didn’t want us crying when you were sick. Now I think about that and how you would say “stop it!” and I stop. .. Well I try. It’s just so dang hard.

I have to remember though, I am a mom and wife, and my daughter and husband need me to be home when I am here because, Home is where your mom is and that’s exactly where I want to be.

“How are you?” This has to be the worst question in the world now. I know people ask this all the time and the usual “I’m good” is the response. Even if you aren’t “good” this is the response.

When I hear the words now “How are you?” I just start crying. I can’t even lie my way through with an eye roll and short laugh like before. What should I say? I’m hurting down to my bones and sometimes I can’t find the air to breathe. My stomach stays in knots and in my chest is a heaviness that has found a home I guess. When I see mom commercials, cancer commercials, red cardinals, the color purple, songs, or just about anything that reminds me my mom is gone- I fight back tears that come anyway.

So instead when I hear “How are you?” I tear up, hug them, and walk away. It’s all I can do and then I can feel them watching me, with a sad expression, as I make my way out of where ever I am.

How long does this last? I had gotten pretty good at masking up…but even makeup can’t hide this pain. Today is one week and it feels like it was yesterday and 20 years ago all at the same time since I hugged my momma. Trying to not get lost in the should have’s and only think about the life we had with her.. I’ve listened to the recordings I made, watched the videos.. but after one week I want more. More videos, talks, walks, hugs, kisses, and more time.

The three cardinals represent the women I’ve lost in the last 5 months that have made me who I am. My Aunt taught me to love and laugh no matter what, my sister taught me to stand strong and know what I believed in and why, my momma taught me to ask for what I want and not be scared. “They can only say no” she would say. “You can do anything you put your mind to Kat” she was my biggest fan. She encouraged me to follow my heart and supported everything I did, even if she didn’t like it. (She would let me know) She was honest and said what was on her mind. You have to respect a woman like that.

How am I? I’m gonna be ok… but right now.. I just ain’t.

A very special friend made this for me. It truly embodies the life of my mother and all she would like for us to do in her passing.. Her strength before she got sick, how we should do life with her gone with traditions.. My mom loved traditions and starting new ones.

My momma would have loved all the people that came out to show their condolences and honor her memory yesterday. She loved people and to have a good time with those that she loved. Daddy and I listened to the songs before the service, just to prepare our hearts to hear them and hopefully keep it together… I think we did pretty good.

It’s so true when people say “You can never truly prepare for losing your mom” As much as I tried.. it just didn’t happen. I am one of those people that want to be as prepared as I can be for things to happen. To be blind sighted like with the death of my Best Friend, Jeremy, the death of my Sister, Christy, and Auntie Lynn..it takes the air from my lungs. Life STOPS and I can’t breathe or feel anything. It’s like the world stops turning and the pain comes in like an earthquake splitting the ground under my feet and breaking everything around me.. and nothing matters, nothing… but finding shelter.. alone. Alone to get myself together…

Keep breathing my friend says.. and I think of Dori from the movie Nemo and “I can’t remember how”. Dori was constantly forgetting.. Oh how I can relate.. I wish I was more of the “keep swimming” hahaha.

Life will go on, a new chapter. A new normal. Moments will come that will make it hard to breathe, memories will come flooding in blinding my vision.. No matter what this next year brings it will be the hardest. All the first’s… first holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. I know… I’m “preparing” Sounds funny, doesn’t it? Morbid.. What can I say?

No matter what though, I have made a vow to ask for help when needed, let friends in, let the Lord’s word and song minister to my heart and above all make sure to live this life to the very fullest. No matter how tired or the hurt I may be feeling. Memories are what get us through these moments and memories with my husband, daughter, brother, daddy, and extended family and friends are what I vow to make more of.

Memories, Breathing, and Remembering… all very important in this life, because when we are gone.. that is all that is left for the ones left behind.

This will probably be the hardest blog post ever… All over the map… confusing and just plain sad. BUT- like a friend said… I am not alone and maybe my suffering and grief during this time will help someone else who is also struggling…

My mother. She could make me SO MAD. I mean really!! Really freaking pissed off , I’m telling you the truth. She was just plain sneaky I tell ya. If she wanted to know something or do something no one was stopping her. Not even the man who worshiped the ground she walked on. If she wanted it, she got it. She wasn’t scared to ask either. I was trying to see what the longest we had went without arguing was.. I would say maybe a couple months. Ohhhh how I wish she was hear to argue with me now! Even in death she was mad at me. Her last word to me was “jealous” with a slight roll of the eyes as she kissed my daddy. She was mad because I was talking to the doctors. Looking back I should have been talking to her… She knew that too. She waved bye to daddy and Shawn, my brother her last night on this earth. I even believe my brothers wife, Heather, got a kiss or wave. Not me though. She would look at me and close her eyes.. and I knew she was mad at me. I could feel it. She loved on daddy though. His last moments with her full of sweet kisses and I love you’s. Just as it should have been.

Yesterday, as we gathered pictures and tried to get to the magic number (35) something stood out to me about the pictures as I put them in order as best I could from mom being a baby to being a grandmother. I noticed how beautiful my mother truly was. Her smile seemed bigger than life itself in every picture. Her brown eyes twinkled and in one particular photo you couldn’t help but laugh with her. We were with her as kids growing up then we are all older. The “in between” seems to be missing… Maybe it was just the couple of decades that I see missing we didn’t have phones and still used disposable cameras. However, I know I missed allot of time with mom. She was always mad at me because she said I made her feel like I didn’t care. Or that my “other family” was more important. I did miss allot of holidays, surgeries, and different things like that.. Like she would always say “If it had been your daddy you’d been here” I couldn’t argue that. She knew that was true. It’s just that mom was strong, not saying daddy isn’t. She just WAS. She could do anything. She wasn’t sick, or hurting to me. She was strong and nothing would ever take her down. Until it did. Even when she got lung cancer, I wasn’t worried. I knew she would beat it. When she had her shoulder surgery I knew she would heal. When she got her pace maker, it would fix her. In a million years I never ever dreamed I would be writing this. That she would pass before my daddy. She would say “You better hope I go first” all the time. Like somehow she knew she would. Now I sit here regretting the last 40 years because I just wasn’t the daughter I should have been to her.

Mom was diagnosed on April 29th 2021 with brain cancer. June 28th 2021 she took her last breath.. and I wasn’t there. I spent the last 2 months making sure I was there for her and daddy. Somehow trying to make up for the things I wasn’t there for. We had some great talks, laughed, and held hands as we watched Thelma and Louise… Walking the Green Mile, getting a bath, eating, going to the doctors.. I was there. I was determined to be with her or be there when she passed. They told us it would take awhile when they gave her the morphine and took off the big breathing thingy. So I came home and got clothes and went to dads and got him clothes and his meds and headed back to the hospital. When I saw the text “Where are you” I knew… I arrived and saw my brother and Heather in the hall. I knew.. I went in her room.. I lost it. I wasn’t there, again.

If you know me you know I will carry this burden forever. I will also carry the last 2 months in my heart to help me. I jeopardized everything to stay close to her and help as much as I could. My job, my family, my life. Everything. Luckily, my boss is a great understanding man and my family loves me and continues to support me. My mom came 1st and I put her care before everything else when she was diagnosed. I knew this time, she would not beat this. I felt it in my bones. I even told my husband she wouldn’t make it through July.. I just knew it.

All the time in between my mom starting her own family until the day she died is filled with love, laugher, tears, pain, joy, and heartbreak. We may not have pictures of that but we have memories. I made some wonderful memories with my mom. Showers will never be that same as she soaked me when I bathed her. 5037 has a new meaning as well as e-e-e, 3 e’s. “Say it and it will be” I have so many recordings of our conversations… Videos to watch her.. and I will treasure them forever.

I am struggling with who I call now.. A friend sent a text and used the work “orphaned”. It seems fitting.. When my mom was sick I longed to be able to call my aunt or sister for advise.. Now who do I call? All the women in my immediate family are gone. My daughter is 12 and I am raising her without her biological father. That sucks. Also and entirely different blog post. However, I am going to NEED them.. my aunt was the comforting and encouraging one, my sister was the “put your big girl pantie’s on and handle it” one and my mom was all of these plus..MOM.

On a hot 🔥 summer evening 5 years ago today, a text book play on the softball field set in motion…a change in me. A strength I didn’t know I had. A strength I would need for the coming months and years ahead. It started growing inside me on impact. Preparing me…I just didn’t really know for what.. I am still wondering for how long..

In one split second life- changed. Forever. When I looked up and saw my now ex-husband with his hands on his hips shaking his head in disbelief saying “what have you done now” Upset his sleep had been disturbed undoubtedly. Not wanting to go to the hospital I requested because “I’d have to drop my trailer and all that” Not one ounce of empathy after I had just taken a 90mph softball between the eyes. I couldn’t even cry in that moment as the blood poured from my face because I knew. I knew it was somehow my fault, even if it was an accident.

I remember waiting alone in the emergency room, spitting up blood in the shirt given to me by a friend. I remember one of my friends coming in and finding a nurse to get me something to spit blood in. My ex mother-in-law and daughter showing up, the xrays, the CT, then…nothing. My mind goes completely blank.

I don’t remember going home. I remember food being brought in for days after. I remember my mom sleeping on the couch with me, sitting outside with me. Everything looked and felt different.

I was different. I was numb, I was sure my brain swelled or something but it hadn’t. I begged for no surgery but… July 5th, 2016 I had surgery anyway. Doctor said I was too young too just let my face cave in because all my bones had shattered in my face around my eye sockets and my nose was pushed to the right and bones shattered there too. Nothing to hold my face in place..

In those moments after surgery had never felt more alone. I remember looking on the camera at the shop and watching the guys drink beer and shoot the breeze and I couldn’t even get up to make me something to eat or get more ice without my head pounding. I crawed on my hands and knees to the bathroom. Then sat there and cried in the bathroom floor. Alone and lonely. Again.

I cried allot during those next 3 or 4 months. I cried for my daughter, for the family I knew one day I would leave, for the life I was living that felt like one big lie. It was. If it wasn’t I wouldn’t have made such bad choices all the time. Everything I did was wrong. Even if it wasn’t.

I posted #gameface on my Facebook page before taking the field that night. I’d never done that before.. it just seemed to fit what was coming. Game face. Thats what I’m missing these days.. my game face. My strength.

You see, being alone and being lonely are different. They hurt differently. However, a game face, that hides everything.

Four years ago today on June 10th, 2017 I walked away… I walked away from the life I had know for almost 20 years. I walked away from the vows I made, the business I helped build, the big house, the “friends” that came every weekend that are no where to be found now, the ability to go stay on beautiful Lake Martin that would “one day be ours”, financial security, a loving extended family whom I miss so very much. I also walked away from crying myself to sleep every night in my own room, being told I couldn’t do anything right or that whatever went wrong was always my fault, being talked down to like I was stupid, doing everything from birthday parties to church events to family get togethers alone. I also walked away from my faith in God. All that praying for change that never came. All the small group sessions I attended alone, the marriage classes I attended alone, the community outreaches I attended alone. Being at church every time the doors where open hoping that one day my faithfulness would be rewarded.. it doesn’t work that way.. I know.

Then one day… June 10th, something clicked when I heard the words “When you have time for me” and all I could think was.. when I have time…WHEN I HAVE TIME… all these years BUT.. when I have time.. I knew in that moment it was time. Time to walk away. I wish it was as easy as it sounds as I write this. The last 4 years have been nothing short of a living hell for my daughter, me, my family, him, his parents, and so many others that MY decision impacted. I will be forever burdened by the trauma that has been caused to so many people. However, I will not apologize. I know I did what was right for me and my daughter. No matter the HELL we have been put through because of it.

Today four years later it is still tender…still painful to think about and see the impact it has had on my daughter. She was only 8.. now 12. She has grown up fast. She is in therapy as am I. We are going to be ok. This will not break us. This has made us stronger.

Today I am not alone anymore. I don’t fight battles alone, pray alone, go to church alone, go out alone, cry alone, I don’t live this life anymore feeling alone. The worst feeling in the world is having someone there and feeling all alone. Today I feel more love that I have ever felt in my life and all I can think is “I am not worthy” but I will take it, all of it.

Today I finally know what TRUE LOVE looks and feels like. My daughter knows what a father’s love is supposed to look and feel like. She see’s how a husband is supposed to treat his wife, love and support her. Even now we are facing the hardest season I have ever been through (and I just thought divorce was rough) I would not wish this season of death and sickness on ANYONE. God knew this season was coming and He knew I would need someone by my side to hold me up, wipe my tears, and love me when I am truly at my worst. God knew I would need a man to carry me through this and that Katelyn would need stability and consistency.

So in a way I guess you can say my faithfulness has been rewarded with a love that most people spend their entire lives looking for. We may not have done it all the right way but God makes beauty from ashes and we defiantly blazed the way to get to where we are today.

I am thankful for the season of darkness that began June 10th 2017.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: Only love can do that.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

While reading Kasey Van Norman’s book, in the room I grew up in at my parents house last night this stuck with me…

Every death changes you, every birthday changes you, every hurt changes you, every win, every tear, everything we go through in this life.. changes you.

Ready or not life is coming and everything you go through changes you. How you let it change you.. well that’s your free will to choose. Choose wisely my friends.. because it affects everyone around you. At home. At work. Everyone you have contact with and come in to contact with. They will see it in you…

As I thought about the words she wrote I read it over and over and thought about this last 6 months, last 3 years, last 10 years. All the changes that have happened and the changes that are yet to come.

How the voices in my head seem to battle with what is good and what is not good. I have to choose what is good, even if I don’t quite understand God’s plan. Last week I began getting angry at God. That “bad voice” was overwhelming me with “How can God allow this?” How can a loving God take my Aunt Lynn, how can a loving God take my sister a month later when she had just started asking me to pray for her after years of that topic being “off the table”. How can a loving God allow my mom to have brain cancer and my Daddy to endure so much pain and heartbreak watching the love of his life for 45 years suffer when my father has been so faithful. How can my daughter feel like she is not who I know God designed her to be and have in her words “no interest in religion”. How? Why?

When does that peace that passes all understanding come again???

I cried so hard in church Sunday for even questioning God’s plan. I know better, it just seemed easier to be mad at the One who holds the world in His hands. The One who also gave up His life for me to live this one. The One who took the beating for me and felt tremendous pain emotionally and physically and could have stopped it but didn’t because He trusted the Father’s will. Jesus’s love for us is greater than any love known to man. He died so we could live. I must admit the thought of taking my own life was so consuming at one point all I could do was call on the name of Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus! Renew my faith!!! You made me the “strong one” and I have a little girl watching me. I have to be strong for her to know that it isn’t “religion” it is a RELATIONSHIP with the One who created us and knows every tear that we shed, hears every laugh, knows every fear, sees every one of our sins, and STILL pursues our hearts.

I am named by God. I don’t yet know why all this is happening to our family. My prayer this morning was “God, use me to bring YOU glory” “Use me, consume me, and make me who YOU predestined me to be” It must be something big because so many reach out to me for help, with questions, and tell me “I don’t know anyone who has endured as much pain as you have in the last 6 months.. the last 3 years.. how did you get through it.” I wish I could say I am up every morning reading my bible, praying, and just staying rooted in the Word. That would be a lie. Music. Music is what grounds me, hearing Christian music and singing as loud as I can through tears. Praying… Praying for people other than myself and my family. Realizing that we all have something in our lives we are dealing with, not just me. Letting God’s people help instead of saying “no we are ok” but letting them actually help.

Last night I was able to help a friend that is going through what I have already been through and still going through. In that moment, helping someone else navigate through their unknown, I knew. I was named by God, to help others. The only way you can truly help someone, is to have lived through it. I must endure this season, for God’s glory to be revealed.

Till next time friends.