Some time ago it came up in my grief group I am in to write a letter to my grief… I never did it… Reason being it would have been filled with colorful language and HATE so thick no one would have wanted to read it. Not that I have people even reading these posts, but it would have made for what I can only describe a pure hate.
Not that me and my grief are friends now or anything… I still despise it, but I don’t hate it anymore… after all, it is part of who I am now. So here it is.. a letter to my grief.
You have been in and out of my life since a very young age.. My grandmother, on my mom’s side, passed away when I was 12, or somewhere close to that. My mom took care of my grandmother after she had surgery to remove a brain aneurysm and she lived with us and my mom took care of her. That was my first experience with you, but I was so young.. I didn’t really “grieve” but my mom sure did- the rest of her life she grieved the loss of her mom.
Today, I understand what my mom was feeling all those years without her mom to call upon. My daughter is 13 and I would give anything to call my mom and ask for her help and guidance on raising my daughter.. or just to hear her say “I love you my daughter” again.. but death took her, and YOU are a constant reminder of that ugly truth.
On September 18th, 2016, is when you and I got very up close and personal. I don’t even know how got from my car to the church parking lot or how I was picked up off the pavement by the preachers’ daughter… I didn’t know you had the power to make me scream like that and even blackout.. The one person in this world, that was not family, had died in a wreck on the way to work that Sunday morning. I called him “My brother from another mother” and my mom called him “son”. His death is when you and I really came face to face and I felt a loss like I had never felt before. This loss changed my entire life. You began to change me too in the week after his death.
I have lost all my grandparents, cousins, my dog, a cat, and another big one I grieve was my divorce on April 24, 2018. I lost an entire family I loved very much after 15+ years… and I grieve the childhood that was ripped from my daughter. Is there not a loss you don’t make your way in to??
My cousin Michael died in January 2021, my Aunt Lynn February 2021, my sister April 2021, my mom got diagnosed with brain cancer April 2021 and passed June 2021. What can I say? I truly HATE you some days!!!. I was always taught never even say “hate”. Noone should ever have to deal with this kind of grief. You made me want to, at one point, take my own life. I was in what I can only describe as “complete darkness”. In that moment everything in my life was gone. Everyone and everything I had my entire life was gone!!!. NEVER coming back- ever. I did not want to live anymore because the weight of it all outweighed my reality. Thank goodness the Lord can break through any darkness! Ohhhh how I thank you Lord!!!!
I started having to see someone, joined a grief group, and got my family going to church because you were beating me down so much, I did not want to fight you anymore. Man, you are strong when you want to be. BUT- my God is stronger.
“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” 2 Chronicles 20:15
I have learned that I cannot fight you alone, I must reach out for help. You remind me of the many blessings in my life and not to take them for granted. You changed the way the sun rises and sets, how the seasons change, how the flowers bloom, how the wind blows, how I hear music, how I look at the sky and the birds and butterflies. Everything is now a sign from my loved ones above and a reminder of my loved ones still here that need me.
I can’t call you my friend, you are simply my grief now. You are real and here to stay. As my mom grieved her mom the rest of her life, I too will grieve mine and the rest of my friends and family that have passed. I used to tell my mom “You still have us here?” and would get mad that she would be so upset about her mom after all those years.. I didn’t get it. Bet I do now…
You are the one thing in this life that doesn’t die. People don’t “get over it” it doesn’t “get better with time” at least not for me you haven’t. That 1st year was a fog, I don’t even remember the rest of 2021 through the holidays. You were so thick. As we approach the 2nd holiday without them, could you please back off? I know that you won’t. I will pray and fight you all the days of my life, till I can dwell in the house of the Lord forever. You won’t get to me in heaven grief!! You WON’T get me there. You are like a stinky fart that follows someone around… Can’t see you, but you are defiantly there.
I am sure we will be seeing each other real soon.
Not your friend,