Mom..Iam..

I helped her get in the shower and sit on the seat. She was repeating her words because she says no one listens to her anymore. I told her we were listening and we began her bath. She began telling me what was cold and what was hot… I asked her to hold the shower head while I got the soap. She soaked me! Sprayed me and the entire bathroom and just laughed. I laughed till I almost started crying. I have that memory forever sketched in my memories. My mom before brain cancer would have been livid we got the floor wet and water everywhere. Everyday she is different and yet the same. I don’t know how to explain it. We talk now without getting mad at each other like before the cancer. She listens with a thoughtful expression on her face and I can’t tell if she is trying to understand or already thinking of a come back to what I am saying. She’s sneaky too, you gotta watch her. She took my paint brush yesterday and said it needed to dry. Stuck it in her pocket. (Thank goodness no paint was on it) I had a nurse tell me “I dont know what is worse, someone dying suddenly or watching them die with cancer”

My Aunt passed Feb. 7th 2021..suddenly. My sister passed April 5th 2021 suddenly. My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer April 28th 2021 and had surgery May 3rd 2021. Suddenly or slowly the sting of death.. hurts deeply.

I think about all the things I didn’t get to tell my Aunt or my sister…my mom and I have talked and said all the things that needed to be said, I just hope she remembers…I do.

In this season of loss I am. Seems like more should be said like I am…this or I am that.. but no word comes to mind that can even describe what I am feeling these days. Other than I am..

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