“How are you?” This has to be the worst question in the world now. I know people ask this all the time and the usual “I’m good” is the response. Even if you aren’t “good” this is the response.
When I hear the words now “How are you?” I just start crying. I can’t even lie my way through with an eye roll and short laugh like before. What should I say? I’m hurting down to my bones and sometimes I can’t find the air to breathe. My stomach stays in knots and in my chest is a heaviness that has found a home I guess. When I see mom commercials, cancer commercials, red cardinals, the color purple, songs, or just about anything that reminds me my mom is gone- I fight back tears that come anyway.
So instead when I hear “How are you?” I tear up, hug them, and walk away. It’s all I can do and then I can feel them watching me, with a sad expression, as I make my way out of where ever I am.
How long does this last? I had gotten pretty good at masking up…but even makeup can’t hide this pain. Today is one week and it feels like it was yesterday and 20 years ago all at the same time since I hugged my momma. Trying to not get lost in the should have’s and only think about the life we had with her.. I’ve listened to the recordings I made, watched the videos.. but after one week I want more. More videos, talks, walks, hugs, kisses, and more time.
The three cardinals represent the women I’ve lost in the last 5 months that have made me who I am. My Aunt taught me to love and laugh no matter what, my sister taught me to stand strong and know what I believed in and why, my momma taught me to ask for what I want and not be scared. “They can only say no” she would say. “You can do anything you put your mind to Kat” she was my biggest fan. She encouraged me to follow my heart and supported everything I did, even if she didn’t like it. (She would let me know) She was honest and said what was on her mind. You have to respect a woman like that.
How am I? I’m gonna be ok… but right now.. I just ain’t.