I want to go home..

Three weeks today you have been gone.. .. In three short weeks my world has changed forever in a way like never before. When my best friend, Jeremy Kile, died on September 18th 2016 it felt like the earth had been taken from under my feet as I was picked up in the parking lot of my church by my then pastors daughter. A friend drove me to my house. Her husband, I think, drove my car.. its a blur… However, everything was different after that. Life looked shorter.. Since then 6 people have passed that I was close too.. I am no stranger to grief.. Even my divorce felt like a funeral and death of a loved one. In essence it was. I lost an entire family. It was earth shattering and I have days still that get me. Divorce is very much like losing someone you love even if you don’t love the person you divorced. You still lose an entire life that you built with that person and all the traditions and family connections.. they die. It sucks.

However, when a mom dies.. home isn’t home anymore. Breathing hurts and the minutes are LONG. Who do I call now about how long to boil eggs? Or OMG my daughter is just like me, WHAT DO I DO? No one can give you advise like your mom because your mom knows every inch of you inside and out. She can tell you the best way to handle a situation because she knows how you react to things. No one can replace that. It’s just not possible.

I see why people say “Take as much time as you need”. I feel like I should be “better” by now.. like I should somehow be able to magically make it through an entire day without crying or throwing up. Yeah.. I would like that too. It’s just not going to happen no matter how hard I try.

I have a wonderful husband now who seems to understand, or tries really hard. I can’t explain why I can’t sit still in my own skin to just watch T.V. with him.. I have to keep moving and doing things. Most of the time, I can’t do hugs and kisses. I can’t even breathe. I can’t be touched, I can’t even really have a conversation without ending up in tears so why talk? This is all very unhealthy for a relationship. I of all people am a product of not being loved physically or emotionally, so I know I must make myself fight for my sweetheart and his needs as my husband. Same for my daughter. She must feel and see that love. She must know that even when the world is falling apart we have to try and keep it together and fight for those that fight for us. She knows it’s ok to not be ok. She lost a grandmother after all. I also know how I handle this is having a very big impact on her at just 12 years old. These 2 have grown closer in the last three weeks as I have fought what I see now will be a daily battle..

Three weeks momma. How I would love to hear you laugh other than on my recordings. See you, hug you, smell you, and talk with you. I miss you so much but I am gonna be ok. I am going to take care of my daddy and family because that is what you would have wanted. You didn’t want us crying when you were sick. Now I think about that and how you would say “stop it!” and I stop. .. Well I try. It’s just so dang hard.

I have to remember though, I am a mom and wife, and my daughter and husband need me to be home when I am here because, Home is where your mom is and that’s exactly where I want to be.