Just get through it…

Just as I was starting to feel the “new normal” of life without my loved ones the holidays came and they came in LOUD and PROUD. At moments I feel as if I am hanging on by a thin thin string… then I hear “Momma, you busy?” and I snap myself into the reality that is my life now. Knowing I have a small human that NEEDS me. Everyone (including me) has let her down. She needs to see and know that this life, while it is brutal and hard, and people come and go, it is also beautiful, exciting, and fun. With the right attitude of course. After all isn’t it a choice?? That is exactly what we are told. CHOOSE to be happy, CHOOSE to be confident, successful, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Got it.

I have not written in so long.. and I feel that all my emotions are now stuck in my head. Making their way out with every sound, song, word, picture, or whatever jars a memory that brings tears to my eyes. They all do it. Then I am screaming at myself CHOOSE HAPPY KAT! I wish it was that simple and I guess for some it truly is. Not me. I am pretty sure my husband has whiplash from my ever changing emotions. Walking on eggs shell’s and “what will she be like today?” I feel the same way my sweet hubby. Let me just say my husband is truly a God send. I don’t deserve him.

At church Sunday Pastor Jason spoke about really looking at all we have to be thankful for. Yes. I do have allot to be thankful for. No doubt. However 2021 no matter how you slice it has been hell. I almost destroyed my marriage in January to start the year off by falling in to old coping habits I developed from being married 15 years to a narcissist, then (also in January) my cousin’s untimely death after getting hit on his motorcycle was followed by the death of my aunt, February 7th (my mom’s sister), two months later on my brothers Birthday (April 5th) my sister is found and I have the chilling responsibly to drive to my dad’s work and tell him his oldest daughter…, then April 28th my mom is diagnosed with brain cancer and after a 2 month BATTLE she passes away on June 28th… 4 months of grieving only to find out my daughter has attempted suicide not once but 3x and ends up staying 14 days in a mental hospital thanks to the mental abuse of her father she had been suppressing for over a year… 2 weeks before my mother’s passing I went to court with my ex-husband and he was sentenced to 12 months in county for domestic violence. THAT my dear friends is the only blessing this year that I got. I know how that sounds, but when you get messages of hate, threats of being harmed, blasted on social media, every day, and trash talked to anyone and everyone who will listen in this tiny town- PLUS knowing he is on drugs. You can’t help but know it is only a matter of time before the ticking time bomb explodes. His actions had me honestly scared for my life, knowing just how narcissistic he truly is. I have to believe that God allowed him going away so that my daughter, my husband, and myself could make it through what was coming. Or maybe God allowed him to hit rock bottom so he would cry out to the Lord! Man oh man wouldn’t that be great!!! I do pray that happens… for Katelyn and his family. I truly do. As long as I am alive he will not get near her unless that has happened and he is walking the walk.

We sold our house and finally got moved to my parents land and in the trailer. Moved my daddy next door so we could all be together and take care of each other. I kept thinking “once we get moved I will have peace” I will take care of daddy and be “home” and it will all be ok. I wish I could say that were true. I LOVE being “home” and everywhere I look I see a memory. My parents bought that land and we moved there when I was 8 years old. (I am 41 now) My dad’s parents moved up there and my parents took care of them till they passed. I know where my place is.

So why do I feel lost now more than ever? The fog has returned and even though we have found a church and are going and getting involved… something is coming..changing..something is happening. My mind is at war and my soul can not find rest.

Do I post this? Or just keep as a draft like so many others… Oh what to do.