The hardest thing (for me) in life is to ask for help for anything. I would rather Google, watch a YouTube video, or I may chat with a friend or family for direction when I am at a complete loss on parenting my kiddo. Don’t get me wrong, I am super appreciative of my girls I can call on when life just hits out of nowhere, again. What about when I have shut down? It happened one Saturday.. Complete shut down. I could not even hide it. I always try to hide it from my very punctilious daughter. She’s 12 and I need to be a good example of someone overcoming “life”. She knows it is ok to get down, just don’t stay there. Oh and my favorite “We all have those days, rest and tomorrow start again!”

This is something more that I can not shake. I’ve found myself researching depression and emotional breakdowns. According to online testing I am severely depressed… ya think? Like I am truly at a point where I need to ask for help from a professional.

I have often seen this with other people and wonder.. “how’d they get there?” or “they just want attention” this is quite the opposite. I feel I must write about it to get the thoughts out of my head and so that I can go back in 10 years and read about “How far I’ve come” in the event I am even still here.

Back in early October this year my daughter expressed to me that she was having thoughts of suicide.. I did not “freak out” but I was alarmed. Called her doctors, and got her the help she needed. Since she’s been home she has not had these thoughts and she has made some great progress managing her mental health. I am so very proud of her. To know your child attempted suicide… to think you failed as a parent on THAT level… as a mother you lose some of yourself. You question your confidence as a parent. I know I did and still do..

Since writing what was just read I joined a grief group and went to my first meeting. Had it not been for reaching out to a knowing friend in my same boat, just different waters, I would still be gasping for breath. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am not ok… and that’s ok. However, listening to these women share their grief… knowing that they truly understand what I am feeling and feeling their own as well…it gives me hope.

Hope is something I haven’t felt in a very long time.