April 5th 2021

2021 came with all the hope and promises of a “good year” I mean, after 2020 how could it be any worse? In these 4 months I have felt extreme pain, anger, anxiety, depression, hostility, jealousy, abandonment, shame, guilt, heartbreak, and utter worthlessness. I haven’t felt this much brokenness at one time in my entire 40 year existence.

During my drive to work, after the riots started in May 2020, I noticed an old black man sitting in a beat up chair in the mostly gravel lot in front of his single wide. I rolled down my window stuck my arm out and waved peace ✌ to him. He barely waved back, but he did wave. I cried all the way to work that morning I was “touched” by the gesture between us.

Now, it’s been almost a year and my window goes down everytime I pass by him and his long arm extends all the way in the air and I can see a huge smile on his face as he waves back 👋. He knows my vehicle now.. he sees me coming…In that moment I always tear up. I don’t know this old man, never met him. His wave in the mornings enlightens my heart and gives me hope to make through another day.

In 2021 I recommitted myself and my family to going back to church. Not just any church, my church home. Where I raised my daughter, gave my testimony, and grew in my faith for many years before my divorce to my daughters father.

You see, all that I was/am feeling began consuming my life. I was blessed to be given a new life, with a man that loves me like I have never been loved before. Even my own self destructive ways could not break us.. break his love for me or my daughter. However, I know that without God in our family, at the center, we would be doomed and these feelings will never be replaced with what God has promised us to feel as believers. Peace that passes all understanding, bountiful hope and love for one another. Grace.. oh sweet Grace..

I feel the weight of the world, my world, shifting. I hear His small voice calling me and I will not be overcome.

Until next time..

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