Two months ago I decided to take Spring Break off with my daughter. Making plans to clean up around the house, inside and out. We have done about 1/3 of what we planned. What I did not count on was my depression coming back 2 weeks ago. I thought by now it would be gone.. Yesterday was pretty rough… Today I got up before 8am, drank coffee with my pups, got a bath, and now I am fighting my brain to do anything else. Tanning bed, movies, 3 days worth of dishes, probably need to feed the dogs, cat, and birds. Def wash clothes and put some away.. UGGGG it’s just all so overwhelming I want to scream. It’s just life though. The day to day things that seem to overwhelm my thinking and motivation to get anything done. Till I just want to hide under the covers until it’s dark and I can’t see the mess in the sunshine anymore. I can’t see the heap of clothes on my dresser and overflowing laundry baskets, I look past the sinks full of dishes and the empty fridge that reminds me we need groceries too. When does this go away?? I know I have changed. Got it. Dooley noted for sure. I want ME back though. No matter how many meds they give me, no matter how much time I spend on my knees, no matter how much praise and worship I push out.. ME is just not there anymore… A part went of me went with all the ones that have passed… People say, I have never known anyone close to me pass… “take one of mine” I think… It’s probably close to 15+ people that should be here…. wow.
My sister’s 2nd anniversary is coming up on April 5th (my brothers Birthday- one last dig at him she could take lol) Out of everyone I have laid to rest, my sister haunts me. No funeral, no memorial service, nothing. Just dead and forgotten.. Isn’t that sad? If I die will that be it? This time of year, I am seeing, is going to be tough for awhile.. leading into reliving all the loss from 2021..
So my depression has returned.. but I am fighting it. My momma raised a fighter, and I will fight till I die.