Life and Grief continue…(,)

I am just coming out of what I can only describe as a “grief strike” It happens less now… maybe every few months or after anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Sometimes I can hide it.. and sometimes it so debilitating I need help.. It can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days or more.. I think even my husband now recognizes the signs of “a big one” coming.. There is no stopping it, it can come out of nowhere and build up to an explosion of feelings consisting of loneliness, uncontrollable crying, maybe screaming and anger, if it’s a really bad the days following the “fog” always returns. Day to day life becomes less important and sleep becomes my best friend. It’s a cycle I long to get out of… but I see no end in sight. Just allot of continued prayers and focusing on Jesus. Jesus is the only one that can set me free of this bondage. I know that he will, his word promises this.

Matthew 5:4 – Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Revelation 21:4 – He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
Psalm 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Matthew 11:28-30 – Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Grief for me, is different depending on where my thoughts are. I may grieve the few childhood years my daughter missed out on, I grieve the church family I saw every time the doors where open for over 10 years,. I grieve the family I lost after my 15 year marriage dissolved, I grieve my teens and 20’s because instead of building a career I was an addict. I grieve my life before everyone close to me passed away within 6 months in 2021. I grieve the life I use to know.. the life I took for granted..

I have to be careful not to sink into a “pitty party” it is soooo easy to do.

I think it has been a little over a year since we were led to Jesus City Church in Montgomery. My faith returning and my prayers don’t feel like empty words, and the excitement that I feel on Sundays and whenever we are going is riveting. I know God allowed me to go through all these valleys in my life for a reason, it’s one reason I write in this blog. The “church hurt” I felt from my previous church kept me from building relationships here, serving, and just really trusting the people.

People are going to let you down. Period. Jesus never will. I have let people down too. Many people. I can’t go back and change anything, but I can choose to allow the Lord to guide me, convict me, and grow me in to the woman he has always designed me to be. At 42 (almost 43) people tell me all the time I should write a book. It’s a sure hit for a Hollywood movie. LOL!

We are almost 2 months down in a new year. 2023 is starting out good with plans for the future.. I honestly could not tell you anything that happened in 2021 and 2022. (except for the AWESOME summer of 2022!)

I will not give up the daily fight of living life and dealing with grief on a daily. Someone asked me last night “How is your dad?” I almost lost it on the spot, the question use to be “How is your mom and dad?” People that haven’t experienced grief are lucky to not understand this, but if you have, I know you understand it completely.

Keep up the fight my friend. Jesus will meet you at the gate and wipe away all your tears.

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