A year ago, today (10/21/22) I was driving in the pouring down rain, alone and crying out to the Lord in a desperation. 14 days prior my daddy and I had made the almost 2-hour drive to Beacon Behavioral Hospital. We took my then 12-year-old after many attempts at suicide, had begun cutting, and was just a shell of a person. I can’t accurately describe what this momma was feeling…but I can try.

Failure as a mother.

Helpless.

Alone.

Confused.

Angry.

Sad.

Hopeful.

Resentment.

I tried to put myself in her shoes and quit swimming in my own self-pity. Telling myself to “pull it together” and “she needs you now more than ever” which just caused a panic attack. I pulled over. I prayed. And prayed, and prayed, and prayed. How could I help her when I was an even bigger mess mentally, emotionally, and physically? The day we left her there kept playing over in my head… All I could think about was what if something happens here, I can’t protect her? Will she be, ok? Will they help her? Am I doing the right thing?? I have to be doing the right thing… this had to be the right thing for her… Utterly and completely helpless but so thankful my daddy was with me. When I got home, I cried for a long time in the shower… I cried every single day for her… Hating myself for all she had been put through at such a young age. I failed her as a mother… something I still to this day struggle with at times…

After only being able to speak for 30 minutes a day on the phone for 14 days when my baby came through those doors, I never wanted to let go of her!! Ever!!! I vowed I would protect her no matter the cost, be strong for her, and pull myself out of the depression I was in. That proved to be harder to do than I thought… She was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, PTSD, anxiety, and gender dysmorphia. We had allot of self-work to do since I too had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety… I later found out I have a panic disorder and insomnia. I HAD to be better for her though. I just had to be. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

I went to work part time. I made sure I was always with her for almost 8 months. I never left her alone. I’ve continued to pray every single day and today I could not be prouder of this now young lady. Smarter than she should be, well rounded in her thinking and judgment. The personal therapist of her friends, me, and my husband. LOL! She says that smiling now… She is going to change lives one day! I just know God has put a calling on her life too.

She continued with therapy; I was in therapy too. Both of us still so angry with what had happened with her father. Her anger burned and affected all her relationships and how she saw herself. I didn’t know what to do honestly. Imagine the terror and helplessness of thinking you could come home one day and find you child… wondering if, as a mother, what you were doing was enough. Knowing that I myself was struggling with grief so heavy I could not even get through the days without breaking down. Every. Single. Day. We kept on moving forward though. Seeing her fight, made me fight harder too.

On October 16, 2022, my husband and I were baptized. It was an absolutely amazing day. The best part, watching my daughter walk down the steps into that pool. I couldn’t believe it; it was truly a GOD MOMENT! I could not hold back the tears as the music played and I watched my baby girl talk with Pastor Jason. I looked at my husband and he was crying right along with me. When she came out of that water the smile on her face was that of pure happiness and contentment. My constant prayer was that the Lord would continue to chase after her and that she would receive His power to overcome the hurt, anger, and resentment that she had carried for so long.

I had finally forgiven myself, which allowed me to forgive my ex-husband and his family. The weight of it all was gone. I knew exactly what she was feeling when she came out of that water and this momma’s heart was bursting with love for her and for our Savior Jesus Christ!!!

Isn’t it amazing how God works? I no longer have to feel completely helpless.

Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”