The word Marriage has so much meaning & feeling in it. Kind of like the Name of Jesus. Marriage can bring many tears, laughter, hope, joy, sadness, loneliness, peace, forgiveness, kindness, patience, goodness, self-control, faithfulness … Many of these are “fruits of the Spirit” Self-Control and Forgiveness… can be the hardest ones. Love can hurt the most, and sadness and loneliness…well they just suck!

When you get married you think, “honeymoon!” Am I right? You also think of love, a home, family, holidays, birthdays, vacations, bills, and “can we handle this….together?” KIDS! animals, family tradition, new traditions, the list goes on.. the 2 families become…ONE. (Ideally but def NOT all the time) let’s just hope they like each other and can get along 🤣 that was, and is, my prayers ❤️🎉

Of course those first few months, maybe even the first 10 years things aren’t “normal” (nothing is “normal” anymore after having a baby) I had a couple miscarriages, my family wasn’t “involved”, which of course is my fault too.

My mom did ask me, with tears in her eyes on my wedding day, “Are you sure!?” My daddy, vey much trying to hide it, sobbed all the way down the isle. They love me….but they also knew I was making a huge mistake… I just didn’t see it…

Everything was perfect. I had a wonderful “new family” and mother-in-law who was, is, and will forever be, like a mother to me. A father-in-law who would stop everything to help us fix something. They will always be some of the best people I know.. so how did their son end up this way… I made some mistakes that hurt everyone, but no one deserves what he has put people through, especially his family. ESPECIALLY HIS DAUGHTER, MOM & DAD.

I feel like my own mother couldn’t get past her own jealousy to be involved so I guess she just stayed out of the way. I still struggle with getting past that.. When it’s was time for Katelyn to arrive, I had 2 epidurals, a spinal tap, and finally an emergency C-section. My mom woke Greg up saying “It’s time!” he looked me dead in the eye and said “It’s 2am (or 4am?, can’t remember exact time by that point) and you want to do this NOW?!?!” I had now been in labor over 24 hours and Katelyn’s head was stuck. Greg’s mom gently escorted him to the waiting room. How thoughtful. My mom did not leave my side in that hospital. She got “left waiting in the ER waiting room” when they had to put a rush on it because Katelyn was in distress. After all the ooooos and ahhhhhhs we went home after 3 days. I couldn’t pick Katelyn up, walk, I was hurting so bad. I couldn’t even hold her to feed her. Greg went back to work the day after we returned home. I was sure my mom would be there any moment. When I couldn’t change Katelyn’s diaper and fell, I called my mother-in-law. She was there in 20 seconds. From then on, she never left my side. She helped us with everything. Even at 6 weeks old when I couldn’t handle all the crying (turns out I am pretty emotional now lol) Joyce kept her so I could heal, took me 6 weeks or longer. After being married almost 5 years (I am guessing) I never saw Greg work so much and so late. I thought it was the “new dad” and all that hitting him… Looking back, he just didn’t want to deal with us. The crying, the bottles, helping me shower, laundry, dishes, formula, diapers, doctors appointments, birthday parties, you name it. He wasn’t there. Video games… that was his thing.

However, It wasn’t about him anymore. That’s when I really started noticing. I honestly think he was jealous, of his own daughter, and the attention she got. Not just from me but…EVERYONE. If he did come to church he sat in the nursery.

As Katelyn got older…everything seemed to become…clearer….I stated to notice things I didn’t before, feel things I didn’t before..Not good things either..

I would have never guessed by the time Katelyn was 11 I would walk around with a 9mm strapped to me after leaving her father.

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