02/22/2020

The last time I posted it was an apology and I apologize again because I was on a roll!! I was getting my journal entries posted on a regular. I was feeling the “healing”, I was getting feedback from friends and family “Your doing it!, Good for you” and then I had to stop. I listened to the advise of close friends and stopped. I will continue with this journey when I know it is safe. For now, it is Paused.

A friend shared a bible devotional this morning called “Without Rival With Lisa Bevere”. It is a 7 day devotional done on the YouVersion Bible app. I watched the video and Day one immediately and let me tell you- this is going to be a game changer. At the end of these Bible studies you have the option to “Talk it Over” with the person you are doing the study with. “When we’ve been bankrupted, it is not long before we want to rob others.” hit me between the eyes like that softball did almost 4 years ago. (Funny- NOT funny, that HURT) ANYWAY- after doing the study my mind was racing and I had the overwhelming urge to grab this laptop and start again… and so- here I am. Typing as I am thinking and not really knowing what God has planned. Again.

I have been bankrupted but I have also bankrupted others. I have robbed others and others have robbed me. I am not throwing stones here. Jesus said “Let you who are without sin cast the first stone” that’s right Jesus! Tell’em!!

Lisa Bevere also said “If you don’t know what you are supposed to be doing with your life that means that God has planned something for you that no one else has done “Well, isn’t that just great!! (enter nervous sigh here) In my response to the study it’s the same thoughts I have wrestled with for years. “Why have I went through all this Lord?” “What do you want me to do with all of it that will bring YOU Glory!?”

I have been the depressed kid at home because she felt like she didn’t fit in, the drug addicted teen, the adulterous wife, liked girls and wasn’t sure who I was because of it or if God could use me…love me…forgive me.. I have questioned everything good in my life and knew exactly why everything bad happened. I want to help kids, teens, adults, women especially… but am clueless about how to since I can’t even help my own daughter and I feel everyday, because of my mistakes, I have ruined her for life.

Then I pray. God restores me, reminds me who He is.. and I know. I know that everything WILL be ok because I read the book- I know how it ends.

So while my journal entries have paused.. for now.. I am back..God is calling me… for what I am not sure…I hope whoever is reading this knows that no matter what you are going through our God is a God who stays. Even when we’ve walked away. (YES, that is a song) My theme song actually. 🙂