All posts by sheisinme2009

She is in me refers to my daughter who fills my soul. I love my daughter so very much, she is what wakes me each morning to fight another day. It has been put on my heart to share my story- in the hopes that someone going through anything similar to the many things I have been through, can know they are not alone. Good people do make bad choices but please don't let them define you. Time truly does change everything... and often.

A New Season.

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2024 has been a year of unexpected growth, a year of breaking free from the chains of the past. Once bound by the weight of life’s challenges, I found myself unable to move forward. The darkness consumed my days as I dwelled on the past.

Today, I embark on a new chapter of life, filled with an inexplicable peace and an undeniable joy. I walk with renewed confidence, knowing that I can overcome any challenge. I am empowered to embrace my roles as a wife, mother, employee, and servant of the Lord. I can now help others navigate their own trials, for I understand the depths of human suffering. Yet, I am grateful that we never have to face these challenges alone.

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

In January, I found myself in a small, nearby church, a broken vessel filled with grief, anger, and despair. The weight of life had become unbearable, and death seemed like the only escape. Each service was a flood of tears, followed by a hasty retreat through the side door. I returned week after week, too afraid to connect with others. I joined a women’s group, a reluctant participant, determined to maintain distance. I craved normalcy, a rest from the relentless pain.

Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest”

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but a transformation began to unfold. It wasn’t a sudden shift, but a gradual change in perspective. The world around me seemed to take on a new color, influenced by my growing relationship with Jesus. As I drew closer to Him, He drew closer to me.

James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

For the first time in what feels like an eternity, I no longer feel alone or afraid of solitude. I am on the right path, however narrow it may be. Each day, God’s mercies are renewed, and His Word reveals hidden treasures I’ve overlooked for years. Familiar passages now resonate with a newfound meaning. I yearn to live again, and I will live for Him.

Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Can anyone relate?

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Overwhelmed.

I stood in my bedroom looking around at all the clothes and “stuff” that seemed to pile up to the point that I had no clue where to begin. Deep breath Kat. I walked in the dining room and looked at the kitchen table. Not the disaster it had been for months, more like organized chaos since I did take the time to separate mail from everything else that catches the kitchen table into neat piles. I should really pay those bills or at least call and tell them I can’t. Why do these birds scream like that? Why do the dogs have to follow me everywhere and this cat is so demanding!

Maybe I should get some air, check on the pool- still green. Walking outside is the same overwhelming realization as being inside. Why do we have so much stuff and where is it’s home?? I use to be somewhat organized and kept a pretty tidy house. What in the world happened? How did I let everything pile up to the point I am so overwhelmed I don’t know where to start? Is this when people hire someone to come in and tell them what to do with their stuff? Should I call a thrift store and tell them to come load up? What does one do when they have reached the point of not knowing what to do?

It’s actually more than just stuff everywhere. Those dang bills need to be contacted at the very least. My daughters birthday is coming up I need to plan that. I need to do so many things- and I am sitting here writing this. Like somehow sharing this and getting it out will what? Make me feel better? I hope if someone else feels this way, reading this makes them feel less alone. Feeling alone sucks.

I have one more day before surgery to remove the cancer that has returned behind my right ear lobe. Then 6 weeks of radiation. So so much I need to be doing and I am paralyzed by all of it. I am overwhelmed to the point I can’t do anything but sit and stare.. I am starting to understand the people I use to see in the mall or on benches.. just staring blankly. I get it bro, you ain’t alone sister. Jesus PLEASE sound the trumpets.

Rant over. For more inspiring posts read previously posted blogs, cause this one ain’t it baby.

Getting Married Again

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Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.

After a failed and mentally abusive almost 15 year marriage to a very narcissist man, I was NEVER getting married again. Ever.

My husband and I will celebrate 4 years this year and while we’ve been through allot, I will never regret saying “I do” to the man I should have married the first time around. 20 years in the making, forever to go!

Never Say Never…ever.

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My momma use to tell me this phrase all the time growing up. “Never say Never, Kat!” I always shook my head in disagreement with her. I would think to myself “I will show you! You will see”. At almost 44 years old I am much wiser than my younger self. I will not dare say the words “I will never..”

This topic has been on my heart for awhile now. I did not realize until I heard the preacher say it Sunday morning I would be writing about it. However, sitting here, super late for work, I have to get it out. When the Lord puts something on your heart, He is VERY persistent. Something else that took me a long time to learn. Why did He make me so hard headed anyway? LOL.

This is very hard, but I know I have not endured this much pain, loss, and tragedy for no reason. True- much of it was brought on by my own poor decisions and not seeking the Lords direction in my life. Making decisions out of emotional distress instead of praying, seeking, and listening. I get so frustrated when I hear “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” OH yes He does friend! Much much more- we must read the beginning, middle, and end of 1 Corinthians 10:13. We miss the beginning sentences “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful” we tend only to say the middle sentence “He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand” and completely disregard the last sentence “When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” I firmly believe that this one verse has 3 sections for a reason. Just like life, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end.

It is absolutely mind boggling how much pain the human heart, mind, body, and soul can endure. It is in the moments when we are on our knees, we cry out to Jesus. We hurt enough to finally cry out for help and realize it is help that must come from more than just a mere man.

Going back to the never say never… what are your never say nevers? Think about that for a moment. Maybe write it down. What happened in the beginning? What happened in the middle of it? What happened after? God can and will use your testimony to help others, if you let him.

I know sin is not measured, not by the Lord. We measure it though. Murder is way worse than flighting. Stealing is worse than gambling. Adultery is worse than sex before marriage. Drugs are worse than drinking. Gossip is worse than being mean to their face and so on.. I am guilty of all these, except murder.

When I was younger I was involved in D.A.R.E (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and I went to all the “straight” dances. I wore the t-shirt. Yet I still ended up with a meth addiction. Something I signed a sheet of paper vowing I would never do- drugs. Yet, on my knees in my hotel room made home, all alone and rereading Psalms 27 over and over, the Lord delivered me from addiction.

In high school I signed a pledge with, Promise Keepers, to not have sex before marriage. Another “Never say Never”. I endured two miscarriages later on in life and thought it was the Lord punishing me for not being married and taking a vow to abstain. Let me be very clear here. God allows things to happen because of our own selfish choices and He still comforts us through the pain of our own causing. If we let Him.

Probably the most shameful and painful never say never, would be my acts of adultery. Wow that was super hard to admit out loud.. At the church I raised my daughter in I was always playing the woman at the well and the woman about to be stoned… Mary and her alabaster box… I find that ironic, yet I know exactly what those women felt having Jesus choose them to use to show His great love for us. Jesus Christ the son of God would use ME!?? Look at what I have done! The pain I have caused so many people and the guilt and shame that caused me to run away.. How could anyone love me? Jesus does. I am living proof He can make beauty from ashes. The shame, guilt, and anger of it all can be used by Him. If we let Him.

Lastly, and I almost left this off. Obviously the Lord has other plans so this has been updated, again.

Before the drugs, drinking, and other bad decisions I was just your normal angry, lonely, and depressed teenager. In the days before cell phones and internet. I took a bottle of pills from my parent’s bathroom cabinet and took them all. I wanted to go to sleep, never to wake up. I called a friend on the phone and told them goodbye and laid down. The next thing I remember I was throwing up in front of the body shop in the mall. Next, I was throwing up in a trash bag in the back seat of a car being slapped in the face to stay awake with someone on either side of me. The memory is hazy. I do remember thinking, I will never do that again. I never dreamed my own child would try the same thing, unsuccessful Praise the Lord Jesus Christ! I never told my parents but thank God my child told me and I got her help. Today she is living her life to the fullest and has big plans for her future and I could not be more grateful. Truly a BUT GOD!

It was another “Never say Never” and a big one at that. Flash forward 20+ years and I was your normal middle aged adult. Angry, lonely, and depressed. Add to that grieving, divorced, PTSD, MDD, and anxiety disorder. I sat with my finger on the trigger, tears rolling down my face. I had never in my life felt so much pain but, I couldn’t do it. I stopped every psych medication I was on and got on my knees. I prayed like I had never prayed before and He rescued me, again.

My prayer is that whoever reading this knows- It does not matter how far you run, how many mistakes you make or how many times you fall down. Look up! Jesus is always waiting with open arms and nail scares hands.

Never say never and never judge others. You never ever know what someone is going through.

1 John 4:4
But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

I knocked, and the door was open.

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In my last post The Calling.. I referenced Mathew 7:7-8 and at the very end of the post it says “knock knock”. I just thought I was ready for the door to be opened..
Mathew 7:7-8 talks about asking, seeking, and knocking and that everyone who does will receive, find, and the door will be open.

Am I the only one who always thought this would be a grand gesture from the Lord? A wonderful moment that would renew my hope and faith.. A life changing experience that would propel me into worshipping the Lord and thanking Him for all His goodness.

It wasn’t. It was a heart stopping gut punch. It was my heart breaking into tiny pieces as I tried to breathe and not get physically sick. It was seeing how blind I had been for so long and not knowing what to do about it. I had been so wrapped up in “my sufferings” I couldn’t see anything or anyone else’s sufferings. The door was opened and there was no closing it.

The very moment that I “knocked” the Lord went to work. Hindsight truly is 20/20. I have replayed every moment of that next day in my mind. Seeing very clearly the Lord’s hand in every direction. Even as I am typing this I am realizing before I “knocked”, the Lord was at work. Knowing what I was about to face He put people in my life months before and during the appointed time. WOW.

When we say “show me the way” He has- Jesus’s life shows us the way we should live ours.
When we say “show me a sign” He has- Jesus’s death on the cross was the sign for all man kind. Jesus told the criminal being crucified beside him in Luke 23:43 “I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise” it was a sign that anyone, no matter what they’ve done, can receive forgiveness and external life in Christ Jesus. We must believe and we must ask “Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom.” Luke 23:42

Is everything OK now? No. Am I still going through it? You better believe it… I have a feeling this is just the beginning.. the beginning of a… but God.

Isaiah 6:8 “ Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people?” Who will go for us?” I said, “Here I am. Send me.”

The calling..

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Have you ever felt called to do something that seemed impossible? How did you handle it? Did you talk to your spouse or closest friends/family for advice? Did you weigh out the pros and cons? Did you go after it or did you put it off until you felt comfortable enough that it would be successful and pleasing to the Lord?

The Lord calls you and me to do the impossible. To take ourselves out of the way and have faith that He will provide everything thing we need. At what point did you throw up your hands and say “OK God! show me the way, equip me. Show me a sign Lord!” Was it after trying and failing? Was it after weighing out the pros and cons and thinking on the advice from friends and/or family? Was it days, weeks, months, or years ? At what point did you follow the “impossible” that you were called to do and at point did you pray for His guidance, strength, and favor?

For all of us the answers will be different. That does not make any of the answers wrong. There are biblical text book “right” answers to all these questions. If you’ve been in church your entire life, or for any length of time, you know the “right” answers I am referring to. What does the Holy Spirit living in you say? What does His Word speak to you?

For me, the answer is years. I have known that the Lord has called me for years to share my many “lives”. I also believe, had I started when I first felt called these last few “lives” I’ve lived through wouldn’t have been the darkest of my life so far. Yet, here we are.

I’ve given up and cried to the Lord, “Show me the way, equip me Lord, to do as you’ve called me” I don’t need a sign. Jesus Christ dying the death I deserved , was the ultimate sign. For all of us.

So what happens next? Your guess is as good as mine, but the Word says in Mathew 7: 7-8 7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

”knock, knock”

The diagnosis.

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On January 6th 2024 the realization that a malignant cancer was taken out of my body hit me pretty hard. On December 15th, 2023 it was removed. Exactly three weeks after surgery, two days after getting the results from pathology, and just over four months from when I found the knot behind my right ear. It hit me right between the eyes, I had cancer.. I honestly knew the moment I found it. I don’t know how others react to this news, but for me, it sent me spiraling into a full blown panic attack. All the “what ifs” came rushing in. It’s hard to fully rely on the “we got it all and will monitor you, no further treatment is needed” when my own mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2019. She was given the same diagnosis. “We got it all and you will live another 20+ years”. She died just two years later with stage 4 brain cancer. Cancer does not “play by the rules” but you know what, neither do I. I refuse to live in fear and let the “what ifs” of life rule over me. On the same token, I could not have pulled myself out of the spiral that was happening on this day of realizing a hard truth, had it not been for some very good friends who talked me through it. God Bless these angels the Lord saw fit to put in my life in 2023. The Lord knew what was coming, He is all knowing. He does not leave us or forsake us. He will however, bring us to our knees.

I debated even sharing the diagnosis on social media. After a text from another friend last night, I praise the Lord that I did share it. I sat in tears as I read about how they went to the doctor to have a mass checked after reading my post and us talking privately about it being found on them some 2+ years before. After my diagnosis they scheduled the appointment and for that I am so relived and humbled that the Lord saw fit to use me to give them that final push to make the appointment.

I don’t know why this life has been so hard and filled with so much grief and pain. So much darkness at times I could not see my way out, but I must have, here I am. I’ve sat with my finger on the trigger, just wanting it all to stop. I couldn’t do it.. Judge me if you must but, God is using me. I see it, I feel it, I know He has a plan to use me to bring others to him. I do not attend church regularly like I use too. I do not have a routine where I get up every morning and spend hours reading the Bible. I pray. ALLOT. You know what? The Lord STILL used me. Is using me. He meets us where we are. I have heard that my entire life and at almost 44 it is just now making sense.

Am I scared? Yes. Is my family worried? Yes. Are my friends concerned? Yes. Do I have anything left in me to fight this? It don’t feel like it. BUT GOD does and I have nothing left in me but to trust in HIM, completely.

In the Jesus Calling devotional it reads “The more extreme your circumstances, the more likey you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation” This is part of today’s devotional and quite fitting for the circumstances.

Psalm 34:17-18 says, “The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit“.

I listened to the baby coo..

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I was on my flight home from a very long week, in meetings and trainings in Houston, Texas. I had been there 4 days and the days ran 10+ hours. I’m on “another level exhaustion” and it feels as if all my senses are heightened as I press on to get home.

I found my seat, sat back, and closed my eyes. I listened to the coo’s of a baby 3 seats back to my right. I couldn’t help but glance back, loving this innocent sound of pure happiness, and the mommy looked at me with eyes tired and wide. She seemed to blush in embarrassment and I just smiled and nodded at the little Boy happily bouncing in her lap. I think as moms we both knew. I haven’t heard a baby coo like that in a long time. Then I could hear the cartoons playing.. Happiness of the purest kind.. and the most beautiful sound to a mothers heart.

I was heading to my terminal for my next flight. Walking slow since I had plenty of time and feeling very lethargic. I noticed an elderly woman sitting down, on the phone. Her legs were crossed and her hand was over her mouth. She was holding the phone so close to her face and her other hand was placed over her ear. She was leaning in as if to hear better. Across from her sat an elderly man with the most intense look of sorrow on his face. He was leaned in, hand on her knee the other holding the side of the chair as if to brace himself. His eyes fixed hard on her face.

The look on the woman’s face mirrored his, traumatic pain. My heart broke. I know the expression,. I’ve seen that look on my husband’s face many times looking back at me screaming in that pain for which he can’t fix..feeling helpless. I could honestly feel the pain in my chest and had to immediately look away.. Grief.. some kind of loss..

When I looked back to where I was going I couldn’t believe what was happening. I looked straight at a man and woman to my left rushing past me. They both had heads held high shoulders back and were hand in hand and their eyes red and wide, faces pale. Terror. Maybe shock..

I could feel it, in my heart for them too. I’m writing this “play by play” so I do not forget. It’s a bizarre feeling, I feel it so deeply when I recognize the expressions, the body language, the look in these peoples eyes. The feeling of pure happiness at the sound of a baby cooing and the unmeasurable love in her mothers eyes too. Getting off the plane I looked back at that jubilant baby and he laughed at me!! I guesstimate, 10-13 months of pure innocence.

What will happen from Dallas to Montgomery!?!

On the plane and y’all ain’t gonna believe this!!!

A baby is to my right front… cooing.

Just wow.

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Do you practice religion?

Practice Religion? That would be like practicing tennis or softball because I like to play the game. I couldn’t in good faith use the term ” I practice religion.”

I would say I have relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, He died for my sins and rose again on the 3rd day. Jesus comes to save us all from eternity in hell, He loves us! The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit are part of me, like family. It isn’t a practice it’s learning to let Jesus led your life, not practice doing it yourself so that Jesus has no place. This will leave a feeling of emptiness.