My momma use to tell me this phrase all the time growing up. “Never say Never, Kat!” I always shook my head in disagreement with her. I would think to myself “I will show you! You will see”. At almost 44 years old I am much wiser than my younger self. I will not dare say the words “I will never..”

This topic has been on my heart for awhile now. I did not realize until I heard the preacher say it Sunday morning I would be writing about it. However, sitting here, super late for work, I have to get it out. When the Lord puts something on your heart, He is VERY persistent. Something else that took me a long time to learn. Why did He make me so hard headed anyway? LOL.

This is very hard, but I know I have not endured this much pain, loss, and tragedy for no reason. True- much of it was brought on by my own poor decisions and not seeking the Lords direction in my life. Making decisions out of emotional distress instead of praying, seeking, and listening. I get so frustrated when I hear “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” OH yes He does friend! Much much more- we must read the beginning, middle, and end of 1 Corinthians 10:13. We miss the beginning sentences “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful” we tend only to say the middle sentence “He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand” and completely disregard the last sentence “When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” I firmly believe that this one verse has 3 sections for a reason. Just like life, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end.

It is absolutely mind boggling how much pain the human heart, mind, body, and soul can endure. It is in the moments when we are on our knees, we cry out to Jesus. We hurt enough to finally cry out for help and realize it is help that must come from more than just a mere man.

Going back to the never say never… what are your never say nevers? Think about that for a moment. Maybe write it down. What happened in the beginning? What happened in the middle of it? What happened after? God can and will use your testimony to help others, if you let him.

I know sin is not measured, not by the Lord. We measure it though. Murder is way worse than flighting. Stealing is worse than gambling. Adultery is worse than sex before marriage. Drugs are worse than drinking. Gossip is worse than being mean to their face and so on.. I am guilty of all these, except murder.

When I was younger I was involved in D.A.R.E (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and I went to all the “straight” dances. I wore the t-shirt. Yet I still ended up with a meth addiction. Something I signed a sheet of paper vowing I would never do- drugs. Yet, on my knees in my hotel room made home, all alone and rereading Psalms 27 over and over, the Lord delivered me from addiction.

In high school I signed a pledge with, Promise Keepers, to not have sex before marriage. Another “Never say Never”. I endured two miscarriages later on in life and thought it was the Lord punishing me for not being married and taking a vow to abstain. Let me be very clear here. God allows things to happen because of our own selfish choices and He still comforts us through the pain of our own causing. If we let Him.

Probably the most shameful and painful never say never, would be my acts of adultery. Wow that was super hard to admit out loud.. At the church I raised my daughter in I was always playing the woman at the well and the woman about to be stoned… Mary and her alabaster box… I find that ironic, yet I know exactly what those women felt having Jesus choose them to use to show His great love for us. Jesus Christ the son of God would use ME!?? Look at what I have done! The pain I have caused so many people and the guilt and shame that caused me to run away.. How could anyone love me? Jesus does. I am living proof He can make beauty from ashes. The shame, guilt, and anger of it all can be used by Him. If we let Him.

Lastly, and I almost left this off. Obviously the Lord has other plans so this has been updated, again.

Before the drugs, drinking, and other bad decisions I was just your normal angry, lonely, and depressed teenager. In the days before cell phones and internet. I took a bottle of pills from my parent’s bathroom cabinet and took them all. I wanted to go to sleep, never to wake up. I called a friend on the phone and told them goodbye and laid down. The next thing I remember I was throwing up in front of the body shop in the mall. Next, I was throwing up in a trash bag in the back seat of a car being slapped in the face to stay awake with someone on either side of me. The memory is hazy. I do remember thinking, I will never do that again. I never dreamed my own child would try the same thing, unsuccessful Praise the Lord Jesus Christ! I never told my parents but thank God my child told me and I got her help. Today she is living her life to the fullest and has big plans for her future and I could not be more grateful. Truly a BUT GOD!

It was another “Never say Never” and a big one at that. Flash forward 20+ years and I was your normal middle aged adult. Angry, lonely, and depressed. Add to that grieving, divorced, PTSD, MDD, and anxiety disorder. I sat with my finger on the trigger, tears rolling down my face. I had never in my life felt so much pain but, I couldn’t do it. I stopped every psych medication I was on and got on my knees. I prayed like I had never prayed before and He rescued me, again.

My prayer is that whoever reading this knows- It does not matter how far you run, how many mistakes you make or how many times you fall down. Look up! Jesus is always waiting with open arms and nail scares hands.

Never say never and never judge others. You never ever know what someone is going through.

1 John 4:4
But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

On January 6th 2024 the realization that a malignant cancer was taken out of my body hit me pretty hard. On December 15th, 2023 it was removed. Exactly three weeks after surgery, two days after getting the results from pathology, and just over four months from when I found the knot behind my right ear. It hit me right between the eyes, I had cancer.. I honestly knew the moment I found it. I don’t know how others react to this news, but for me, it sent me spiraling into a full blown panic attack. All the “what ifs” came rushing in. It’s hard to fully rely on the “we got it all and will monitor you, no further treatment is needed” when my own mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2019. She was given the same diagnosis. “We got it all and you will live another 20+ years”. She died just two years later with stage 4 brain cancer. Cancer does not “play by the rules” but you know what, neither do I. I refuse to live in fear and let the “what ifs” of life rule over me. On the same token, I could not have pulled myself out of the spiral that was happening on this day of realizing a hard truth, had it not been for some very good friends who talked me through it. God Bless these angels the Lord saw fit to put in my life in 2023. The Lord knew what was coming, He is all knowing. He does not leave us or forsake us. He will however, bring us to our knees.

I debated even sharing the diagnosis on social media. After a text from another friend last night, I praise the Lord that I did share it. I sat in tears as I read about how they went to the doctor to have a mass checked after reading my post and us talking privately about it being found on them some 2+ years before. After my diagnosis they scheduled the appointment and for that I am so relived and humbled that the Lord saw fit to use me to give them that final push to make the appointment.

I don’t know why this life has been so hard and filled with so much grief and pain. So much darkness at times I could not see my way out, but I must have, here I am. I’ve sat with my finger on the trigger, just wanting it all to stop. I couldn’t do it.. Judge me if you must but, God is using me. I see it, I feel it, I know He has a plan to use me to bring others to him. I do not attend church regularly like I use too. I do not have a routine where I get up every morning and spend hours reading the Bible. I pray. ALLOT. You know what? The Lord STILL used me. Is using me. He meets us where we are. I have heard that my entire life and at almost 44 it is just now making sense.

Am I scared? Yes. Is my family worried? Yes. Are my friends concerned? Yes. Do I have anything left in me to fight this? It don’t feel like it. BUT GOD does and I have nothing left in me but to trust in HIM, completely.

In the Jesus Calling devotional it reads “The more extreme your circumstances, the more likey you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation” This is part of today’s devotional and quite fitting for the circumstances.

Psalm 34:17-18 says, “The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit“.