On January 6th 2024 the realization that a malignant cancer was taken out of my body hit me pretty hard. On December 15th, 2023 it was removed. Exactly three weeks after surgery, two days after getting the results from pathology, and just over four months from when I found the knot behind my right ear. It hit me right between the eyes, I had cancer.. I honestly knew the moment I found it. I don’t know how others react to this news, but for me, it sent me spiraling into a full blown panic attack. All the “what ifs” came rushing in. It’s hard to fully rely on the “we got it all and will monitor you, no further treatment is needed” when my own mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2019. She was given the same diagnosis. “We got it all and you will live another 20+ years”. She died just two years later with stage 4 brain cancer. Cancer does not “play by the rules” but you know what, neither do I. I refuse to live in fear and let the “what ifs” of life rule over me. On the same token, I could not have pulled myself out of the spiral that was happening on this day of realizing a hard truth, had it not been for some very good friends who talked me through it. God Bless these angels the Lord saw fit to put in my life in 2023. The Lord knew what was coming, He is all knowing. He does not leave us or forsake us. He will however, bring us to our knees.

I debated even sharing the diagnosis on social media. After a text from another friend last night, I praise the Lord that I did share it. I sat in tears as I read about how they went to the doctor to have a mass checked after reading my post and us talking privately about it being found on them some 2+ years before. After my diagnosis they scheduled the appointment and for that I am so relived and humbled that the Lord saw fit to use me to give them that final push to make the appointment.

I don’t know why this life has been so hard and filled with so much grief and pain. So much darkness at times I could not see my way out, but I must have, here I am. I’ve sat with my finger on the trigger, just wanting it all to stop. I couldn’t do it.. Judge me if you must but, God is using me. I see it, I feel it, I know He has a plan to use me to bring others to him. I do not attend church regularly like I use too. I do not have a routine where I get up every morning and spend hours reading the Bible. I pray. ALLOT. You know what? The Lord STILL used me. Is using me. He meets us where we are. I have heard that my entire life and at almost 44 it is just now making sense.

Am I scared? Yes. Is my family worried? Yes. Are my friends concerned? Yes. Do I have anything left in me to fight this? It don’t feel like it. BUT GOD does and I have nothing left in me but to trust in HIM, completely.

In the Jesus Calling devotional it reads “The more extreme your circumstances, the more likey you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation” This is part of today’s devotional and quite fitting for the circumstances.

Psalm 34:17-18 says, “The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit“.