Jeremy Lee Kile – Forever 37 years old. Best friend since Junior year in high school. Class of 1999.
Born on November 12th, 1979 Passed on September 18th, 2016
Gary Todd Chisholm. Forever 50 years old. Oldest cousin on my dad’s side.
Born on August 13th, 1969 Passed on April 11th, 2020
Marjorie Lynn Hannahs. Forever 67 years old. My Auntie Lynn from my mom’s side.
Born on December 7th, 1954 Passed on February 7th, 2021
Christy Buckner Morrone. Forever 49 years old. My sister.
Born on November 30th, 1972 Passed on April 5th, 2021
It is beyond me the feeling you get when you get “the” phone call. Debilitating and time seems to stop completely in that moment. If it were not for the stabbing feeling in my rib cage I would question the status of my own existence after the news that each one of these precious souls…. Then the “fog” comes.. The “waves” of… every emotion…mourning begins..
I have experienced the death of both sets of grand parents, other family members, close friends, and acquaintances. While I did morn them as well, for me, the unexpected passing of these 4 people completely changed me. Life changed. Everything changed.
2021 came with all the hope and promises of a “good year” I mean, after 2020 how could it be any worse? In these 4 months I have felt extreme pain, anger, anxiety, depression, hostility, jealousy, abandonment, shame, guilt, heartbreak, and utter worthlessness. I haven’t felt this much brokenness at one time in my entire 40 year existence.
During my drive to work, after the riots started in May 2020, I noticed an old black man sitting in a beat up chair in the mostly gravel lot in front of his single wide. I rolled down my window stuck my arm out and waved peace ✌ to him. He barely waved back, but he did wave. I cried all the way to work that morning I was “touched” by the gesture between us.
Now, it’s been almost a year and my window goes down everytime I pass by him and his long arm extends all the way in the air and I can see a huge smile on his face as he waves back 👋. He knows my vehicle now.. he sees me coming…In that moment I always tear up. I don’t know this old man, never met him. His wave in the mornings enlightens my heart and gives me hope to make through another day.
In 2021 I recommitted myself and my family to going back to church. Not just any church, my church home. Where I raised my daughter, gave my testimony, and grew in my faith for many years before my divorce to my daughters father.
You see, all that I was/am feeling began consuming my life. I was blessed to be given a new life, with a man that loves me like I have never been loved before. Even my own self destructive ways could not break us.. break his love for me or my daughter. However, I know that without God in our family, at the center, we would be doomed and these feelings will never be replaced with what God has promised us to feel as believers. Peace that passes all understanding, bountiful hope and love for one another. Grace.. oh sweet Grace..
I feel the weight of the world, my world, shifting. I hear His small voice calling me and I will not be overcome.
On my (1st) wedding day I was about to hyperventilate. I had to take something to calm me down and my mom and aunt helped me control my breathing so we could get the dress zipped. It was insane. I was sweating and crying and…well just plain freaking out! Lol I just assumed it was was “normal” and thats what everyone told me.. “you’re just excited”
When I married Joseph Travis I could have done a black flip, triple axle, and the fact that I couldn’t stop giggling was what made getting in my dress that day a little tough. I knew… I looked out the window.. saw him laughing..that smile so big.. and I knew. I saw a “beginning” and felt peace and joy in my heart I had never felt before.
Honestly, I had planned a get away… no one knows that.. well.. until now. I couldn’t do it, I KNEW that what we have people spend their entire life searching for.. and I wasn’t running.
If you are getting married and everything is done, bought and paid for. You can still call it off. You can still run. Trust me, it will cost ALLOT less to leave BEFORE you say I do. For you, your spouse, your families and friends.
You see you won’t just lose the deposit on the venue, food, dresses, honeymoon, etc. You loose EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and if kids are born… its a Million times worse if it doesn’t work out. So if you aren’t ready, or sure, or ready to do a triple axle in to that dress…It won’t hurt to give it some more time.. just to be sure.
The word Marriage has so much meaning & feeling in it. Kind of like the Name of Jesus. Marriage can bring many tears, laughter, hope, joy, sadness, loneliness, peace, forgiveness, kindness, patience, goodness, self-control, faithfulness … Many of these are “fruits of the Spirit” Self-Control and Forgiveness… can be the hardest ones. Love can hurt the most, and sadness and loneliness…well they just suck!
When you get married you think, “honeymoon!” Am I right? You also think of love, a home, family, holidays, birthdays, vacations, bills, and “can we handle this….together?” KIDS! animals, family tradition, new traditions, the list goes on.. the 2 families become…ONE. (Ideally but def NOT all the time) let’s just hope they like each other and can get along 🤣 that was, and is, my prayers ❤️🎉
Of course those first few months, maybe even the first 10 years things aren’t “normal” (nothing is “normal” anymore after having a baby) I had a couple miscarriages, my family wasn’t “involved”, which of course is my fault too.
My mom did ask me, with tears in her eyes on my wedding day, “Are you sure!?” My daddy, vey much trying to hide it, sobbed all the way down the isle. They love me….but they also knew I was making a huge mistake… I just didn’t see it…
Everything was perfect. I had a wonderful “new family” and mother-in-law who was, is, and will forever be, like a mother to me. A father-in-law who would stop everything to help us fix something. They will always be some of the best people I know.. so how did their son end up this way… I made some mistakes that hurt everyone, but no one deserves what he has put people through, especially his family. ESPECIALLY HIS DAUGHTER, MOM & DAD.
I feel like my own mother couldn’t get past her own jealousy to be involved so I guess she just stayed out of the way. I still struggle with getting past that.. When it’s was time for Katelyn to arrive, I had 2 epidurals, a spinal tap, and finally an emergency C-section. My mom woke Greg up saying “It’s time!” he looked me dead in the eye and said “It’s 2am (or 4am?, can’t remember exact time by that point) and you want to do this NOW?!?!” I had now been in labor over 24 hours and Katelyn’s head was stuck. Greg’s mom gently escorted him to the waiting room. How thoughtful. My mom did not leave my side in that hospital. She got “left waiting in the ER waiting room” when they had to put a rush on it because Katelyn was in distress. After all the ooooos and ahhhhhhs we went home after 3 days. I couldn’t pick Katelyn up, walk, I was hurting so bad. I couldn’t even hold her to feed her. Greg went back to work the day after we returned home. I was sure my mom would be there any moment. When I couldn’t change Katelyn’s diaper and fell, I called my mother-in-law. She was there in 20 seconds. From then on, she never left my side. She helped us with everything. Even at 6 weeks old when I couldn’t handle all the crying (turns out I am pretty emotional now lol) Joyce kept her so I could heal, took me 6 weeks or longer. After being married almost 5 years (I am guessing) I never saw Greg work so much and so late. I thought it was the “new dad” and all that hitting him… Looking back, he just didn’t want to deal with us. The crying, the bottles, helping me shower, laundry, dishes, formula, diapers, doctors appointments, birthday parties, you name it. He wasn’t there. Video games… that was his thing.
However, It wasn’t about him anymore. That’s when I really started noticing. I honestly think he was jealous, of his own daughter, and the attention she got. Not just from me but…EVERYONE. If he did come to church he sat in the nursery.
As Katelyn got older…everything seemed to become…clearer….I stated to notice things I didn’t before, feel things I didn’t before..Not good things either..
I would have never guessed by the time Katelyn was 11 I would walk around with a 9mm strapped to me after leaving her father.
Don’t you just love it when your husbands alarm clock goes off 3 @&#=$(#) times on a Saturday before 6am? As soon as my mind awakes, game on..
Kidding (not really) I’m just not a morning person..Joey is who I refer to as “Cinderella” animals love him. And so do I. 💕🥰
I have so much stored in my brain, I don’t even know where to begin. I want the pain to stop, the mental battle, the hurt, all of it….to be quite.. even if just for one day. I’ve started meditation.. controlled breathing. Watching motivated speakers & listening to pod casts. Pills work faster.. especially if you double up. Berne Brown made the statement in one of her speeches “Numbing the pain means numbing everything. The joy, the happy, not just the mental distress and anxiety.” I have pretty much watched all her stuff and hope to read her books soon. That statement changes everything.. you can too! So what will it be,? I want to hear from you. How are you coping?
Last night as I was telling a story from my childhood to my husband about how my father called a “family meeting” to tell us we we’re all moving from Oxford,Alabama (Oxford, Anniston, or Cullman-bad memory) to the great state of Washington! “Washington DC!”, I asked excited. “No, Washington State.”, my dad said smiling. Joey, my husband, said “Oh my God, you are your father!” Joey was laughing and I take this as a complement because in my eyes it’s always been #1 Jesus #2 Daddy.
So- I am starting my blog back. I DO NOT have an English degree, I don’t use correct punctuation or any of that other crap the right way. So if that bothers you. You may not want to keep reading.
I do, however, try. I have some deep hurts, crippling anxiety, and bouts of depression. I also have a very sick sense of humor so… stay with me if you want. I am done holding it all in! Let the healing begin…or hurting.. pfff whichever. I know, I’m not alone… and neither are you… .
The last time I posted it was an apology and I apologize again because I was on a roll!! I was getting my journal entries posted on a regular. I was feeling the “healing”, I was getting feedback from friends and family “Your doing it!, Good for you” and then I had to stop. I listened to the advise of close friends and stopped. I will continue with this journey when I know it is safe. For now, it is Paused.
A friend shared a bible devotional this morning called “Without Rival With Lisa Bevere”. It is a 7 day devotional done on the YouVersion Bible app. I watched the video and Day one immediately and let me tell you- this is going to be a game changer. At the end of these Bible studies you have the option to “Talk it Over” with the person you are doing the study with. “When we’ve been bankrupted, it is not long before we want to rob others.” hit me between the eyes like that softball did almost 4 years ago. (Funny- NOT funny, that HURT) ANYWAY- after doing the study my mind was racing and I had the overwhelming urge to grab this laptop and start again… and so- here I am. Typing as I am thinking and not really knowing what God has planned. Again.
I have been bankrupted but I have also bankrupted others. I have robbed others and others have robbed me. I am not throwing stones here. Jesus said “Let you who are without sin cast the first stone” that’s right Jesus! Tell’em!!
Lisa Bevere also said “If you don’t know what you are supposed to be doing with your life that means that God has planned something for you that no one else has done “Well, isn’t that just great!! (enter nervous sigh here) In my response to the study it’s the same thoughts I have wrestled with for years. “Why have I went through all this Lord?” “What do you want me to do with all of it that will bring YOU Glory!?”
I have been the depressed kid at home because she felt like she didn’t fit in, the drug addicted teen, the adulterous wife, liked girls and wasn’t sure who I was because of it or if God could use me…love me…forgive me.. I have questioned everything good in my life and knew exactly why everything bad happened. I want to help kids, teens, adults, women especially… but am clueless about how to since I can’t even help my own daughter and I feel everyday, because of my mistakes, I have ruined her for life.
Then I pray. God restores me, reminds me who He is.. and I know. I know that everything WILL be ok because I read the book- I know how it ends.
So while my journal entries have paused.. for now.. I am back..God is calling me… for what I am not sure…I hope whoever is reading this knows that no matter what you are going through our God is a God who stays. Even when we’ve walked away. (YES, that is a song) My theme song actually. 🙂
I owe my ex’s baby momma an apology for calling her crazy in my intro to starting this blog. Regardless of the reasons I did it, it was wrong. This blog is supposed to bring healing, peace, and understanding. Not tear down anyone or cause more pain. We are all dealing with our own demons, hurts, habits, and hangups. I pray this finds it’s way and forgiveness is met. This life is hard and it hurts. I have experienced my fair share just as much as the next person. I am not to proud to say I am sorry .
We went to PC Beach this past weekend. Went to Club VeLa no drugs – nothing – pure adrenaline. I had a great time. I danced more than I ever do at any other party. 🙂 The after party was kickin to adn we ended up with the 1/2 owner later that day and he let us in to dance & get down but the other 1/2 owner found out and we had to leave 😦 We meet some cool people. hung out for awhile (Some friends) meet us we rode the PCB strip we hooked up on some “chicken” that wasn’t to good. (bathroom crank) But oh Well! We left about 8:00pm and it took me 5 hrs to get home b/c Dave passed out. 🙂 anyways it was good to get away. Now we’re looking forward to April 22nd. The Auburn Army is having another Party. 1st Party I love Dave and at this very moment april 5th 8:32pm we can’t find Dave’s Keys & Jackie (girl) stayed in PCB. She hasn’t come home yet. I wonder. I hope she makes it Back. She’s 22 yrs old but… I hope she’s ok (she had never been there B4)
Jackie called last night she was in Columbus. She wanted us to come pick her up, but we had no $ or gas. I know she’s okay now I’m just waiting for her to Return to Auburn.
The trip to PCB back then was when you could jump in your car with a change of clothes and tooth brush and take off… and we did. It was one of the rare times we went out to the club/party sober but not bc we wanted too. We just didn’t score any there. It was always a top priority. I had to drive us back and boy it was a long drive. I can’t remember if Jackie rode down with us down there, I am assuming she did. I remember begging her to come back with us and worried for so long that something had happened to her. Remember we didn’t have cell phones at this time! I honestly don’t recall ever talking to her again after the call from Columbus asking us to come get her.
hello. hello. Well, the middle of the month is here. Nothing too much has happened. (Friend) is still in jail for seeing Steve —- get shot. (Different Friend) is in jail, cause he was leaving Zelda’s web (drunk) a car had no brakes he hit it another car hit the car he hit killed a little boy manslautter. Crazy. Seems everyones going down. On a better note (Friend) and (Friend) are getting married on the 22nd after the Blizzard party on the 21st. I’m not working but I quite smoken’ to better my life. and with Gods will and my wonderful determenation I will overcome. After the summer I’m going to start ICS classes. I “heart” Dave —-
At the time I was writing this I was so clueless has to how close I was to my life taking a very dark turn that night at Zelda’s Web. I was there that night. I was drunk and chose to drive home too. I could have hit the car with no brake lights.. any of us there that night could have been in that car.. My friend spent 20+ years in jail after that night.. One of the kindest, sweetest people in the world and whose family is some of the nicest people I know… I want to say we didn’t make our friends wedding either.. Not to say we didn’t try though.. It’s sad how I can write about people getting shot and and going to jail so casually.. “Oh not to much happened”… It’s easy to say today we are “numb” from seeing all this behavior on the internet and TV. I believe I was “numb” at this time from doing drugs. The reality of what I was living had not quite hit me yet.. but it was coming..
okay what’s up? We are gonna fo to florida this weekend. maybe we shouldn’t but we’re young. We’ve got time! I see my self 10 yrs from now married yes. working yes. but doing what I have no idea. I keep thinking that I will find my self, but I guess looking would be the first thing. I want to plant a garden. aranged in tie die looking circle Sherry graduates in May. I’ve been out of High School 1yr. Sometimes it feels like months. One thing for sure I love Dave.
10 years from the day this was written would have been March 31st 2010. I had been married to my daughter’s father for 4 years by then and Katelyn was 10 months old. I was working at T-Mobile in Tiger Town as a retail store manager. Making a good living but missing all my daughters “firsts”. Working in retail you work nights, weekends, and holidays. I was scared to death of being a mom and working my tail off at the same time. I loved my job but missed being home watching my baby grow up. I still was not where I felt like I should have been in life.I was married, had the kid, was going to church, but something was still missing…