Four years ago today on June 10th, 2017 I walked away… I walked away from the life I had know for almost 20 years. I walked away from the vows I made, the business I helped build, the big house, the “friends” that came every weekend that are no where to be found now, the ability to go stay on beautiful Lake Martin that would “one day be ours”, financial security, a loving extended family whom I miss so very much. I also walked away from crying myself to sleep every night in my own room, being told I couldn’t do anything right or that whatever went wrong was always my fault, being talked down to like I was stupid, doing everything from birthday parties to church events to family get togethers alone. I also walked away from my faith in God. All that praying for change that never came. All the small group sessions I attended alone, the marriage classes I attended alone, the community outreaches I attended alone. Being at church every time the doors where open hoping that one day my faithfulness would be rewarded.. it doesn’t work that way.. I know.

Then one day… June 10th, something clicked when I heard the words “When you have time for me” and all I could think was.. when I have time…WHEN I HAVE TIME… all these years BUT.. when I have time.. I knew in that moment it was time. Time to walk away. I wish it was as easy as it sounds as I write this. The last 4 years have been nothing short of a living hell for my daughter, me, my family, him, his parents, and so many others that MY decision impacted. I will be forever burdened by the trauma that has been caused to so many people. However, I will not apologize. I know I did what was right for me and my daughter. No matter the HELL we have been put through because of it.

Today four years later it is still tender…still painful to think about and see the impact it has had on my daughter. She was only 8.. now 12. She has grown up fast. She is in therapy as am I. We are going to be ok. This will not break us. This has made us stronger.

Today I am not alone anymore. I don’t fight battles alone, pray alone, go to church alone, go out alone, cry alone, I don’t live this life anymore feeling alone. The worst feeling in the world is having someone there and feeling all alone. Today I feel more love that I have ever felt in my life and all I can think is “I am not worthy” but I will take it, all of it.

Today I finally know what TRUE LOVE looks and feels like. My daughter knows what a father’s love is supposed to look and feel like. She see’s how a husband is supposed to treat his wife, love and support her. Even now we are facing the hardest season I have ever been through (and I just thought divorce was rough) I would not wish this season of death and sickness on ANYONE. God knew this season was coming and He knew I would need someone by my side to hold me up, wipe my tears, and love me when I am truly at my worst. God knew I would need a man to carry me through this and that Katelyn would need stability and consistency.

So in a way I guess you can say my faithfulness has been rewarded with a love that most people spend their entire lives looking for. We may not have done it all the right way but God makes beauty from ashes and we defiantly blazed the way to get to where we are today.

I am thankful for the season of darkness that began June 10th 2017.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: Only love can do that.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

While reading Kasey Van Norman’s book, in the room I grew up in at my parents house last night this stuck with me…

Every death changes you, every birthday changes you, every hurt changes you, every win, every tear, everything we go through in this life.. changes you.

Ready or not life is coming and everything you go through changes you. How you let it change you.. well that’s your free will to choose. Choose wisely my friends.. because it affects everyone around you. At home. At work. Everyone you have contact with and come in to contact with. They will see it in you…

As I thought about the words she wrote I read it over and over and thought about this last 6 months, last 3 years, last 10 years. All the changes that have happened and the changes that are yet to come.

How the voices in my head seem to battle with what is good and what is not good. I have to choose what is good, even if I don’t quite understand God’s plan. Last week I began getting angry at God. That “bad voice” was overwhelming me with “How can God allow this?” How can a loving God take my Aunt Lynn, how can a loving God take my sister a month later when she had just started asking me to pray for her after years of that topic being “off the table”. How can a loving God allow my mom to have brain cancer and my Daddy to endure so much pain and heartbreak watching the love of his life for 45 years suffer when my father has been so faithful. How can my daughter feel like she is not who I know God designed her to be and have in her words “no interest in religion”. How? Why?

When does that peace that passes all understanding come again???

I cried so hard in church Sunday for even questioning God’s plan. I know better, it just seemed easier to be mad at the One who holds the world in His hands. The One who also gave up His life for me to live this one. The One who took the beating for me and felt tremendous pain emotionally and physically and could have stopped it but didn’t because He trusted the Father’s will. Jesus’s love for us is greater than any love known to man. He died so we could live. I must admit the thought of taking my own life was so consuming at one point all I could do was call on the name of Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus! Renew my faith!!! You made me the “strong one” and I have a little girl watching me. I have to be strong for her to know that it isn’t “religion” it is a RELATIONSHIP with the One who created us and knows every tear that we shed, hears every laugh, knows every fear, sees every one of our sins, and STILL pursues our hearts.

I am named by God. I don’t yet know why all this is happening to our family. My prayer this morning was “God, use me to bring YOU glory” “Use me, consume me, and make me who YOU predestined me to be” It must be something big because so many reach out to me for help, with questions, and tell me “I don’t know anyone who has endured as much pain as you have in the last 6 months.. the last 3 years.. how did you get through it.” I wish I could say I am up every morning reading my bible, praying, and just staying rooted in the Word. That would be a lie. Music. Music is what grounds me, hearing Christian music and singing as loud as I can through tears. Praying… Praying for people other than myself and my family. Realizing that we all have something in our lives we are dealing with, not just me. Letting God’s people help instead of saying “no we are ok” but letting them actually help.

Last night I was able to help a friend that is going through what I have already been through and still going through. In that moment, helping someone else navigate through their unknown, I knew. I was named by God, to help others. The only way you can truly help someone, is to have lived through it. I must endure this season, for God’s glory to be revealed.

Till next time friends.

I helped her get in the shower and sit on the seat. She was repeating her words because she says no one listens to her anymore. I told her we were listening and we began her bath. She began telling me what was cold and what was hot… I asked her to hold the shower head while I got the soap. She soaked me! Sprayed me and the entire bathroom and just laughed. I laughed till I almost started crying. I have that memory forever sketched in my memories. My mom before brain cancer would have been livid we got the floor wet and water everywhere. Everyday she is different and yet the same. I don’t know how to explain it. We talk now without getting mad at each other like before the cancer. She listens with a thoughtful expression on her face and I can’t tell if she is trying to understand or already thinking of a come back to what I am saying. She’s sneaky too, you gotta watch her. She took my paint brush yesterday and said it needed to dry. Stuck it in her pocket. (Thank goodness no paint was on it) I had a nurse tell me “I dont know what is worse, someone dying suddenly or watching them die with cancer”

My Aunt passed Feb. 7th 2021..suddenly. My sister passed April 5th 2021 suddenly. My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer April 28th 2021 and had surgery May 3rd 2021. Suddenly or slowly the sting of death.. hurts deeply.

I think about all the things I didn’t get to tell my Aunt or my sister…my mom and I have talked and said all the things that needed to be said, I just hope she remembers…I do.

In this season of loss I am. Seems like more should be said like I am…this or I am that.. but no word comes to mind that can even describe what I am feeling these days. Other than I am..

Born on November 12th, 1979
Passed on September 18th, 2016

Marjorie Lynn Hannahs. Forever 67 years old.
My Auntie Lynn from my mom’s side.

Born on December 7th, 1954
Passed on February 7th, 2021

Christy Buckner Morrone. Forever 49 years old.
My sister.

Born on November 30th, 1972
Passed on April 5th, 2021

It is beyond me the feeling you get when you get “the” phone call. Debilitating and time seems to stop completely in that moment. If it were not for the stabbing feeling in my rib cage I would question the status of my own existence after the news that each one of these precious souls…. Then the “fog” comes.. The “waves” of… every emotion…mourning begins..

I have experienced the death of both sets of grand parents, other family members, close friends, and acquaintances. While I did morn them as well, for me, the unexpected passing of these 4 people completely changed me. Life changed. Everything changed.

2021 came with all the hope and promises of a “good year” I mean, after 2020 how could it be any worse? In these 4 months I have felt extreme pain, anger, anxiety, depression, hostility, jealousy, abandonment, shame, guilt, heartbreak, and utter worthlessness. I haven’t felt this much brokenness at one time in my entire 40 year existence.

During my drive to work, after the riots started in May 2020, I noticed an old black man sitting in a beat up chair in the mostly gravel lot in front of his single wide. I rolled down my window stuck my arm out and waved peace ✌ to him. He barely waved back, but he did wave. I cried all the way to work that morning I was “touched” by the gesture between us.

Now, it’s been almost a year and my window goes down everytime I pass by him and his long arm extends all the way in the air and I can see a huge smile on his face as he waves back 👋. He knows my vehicle now.. he sees me coming…In that moment I always tear up. I don’t know this old man, never met him. His wave in the mornings enlightens my heart and gives me hope to make through another day.

In 2021 I recommitted myself and my family to going back to church. Not just any church, my church home. Where I raised my daughter, gave my testimony, and grew in my faith for many years before my divorce to my daughters father.

You see, all that I was/am feeling began consuming my life. I was blessed to be given a new life, with a man that loves me like I have never been loved before. Even my own self destructive ways could not break us.. break his love for me or my daughter. However, I know that without God in our family, at the center, we would be doomed and these feelings will never be replaced with what God has promised us to feel as believers. Peace that passes all understanding, bountiful hope and love for one another. Grace.. oh sweet Grace..

I feel the weight of the world, my world, shifting. I hear His small voice calling me and I will not be overcome.

Until next time..

On my (1st) wedding day I was about to hyperventilate. I had to take something to calm me down and my mom and aunt helped me control my breathing so we could get the dress zipped. It was insane. I was sweating and crying and…well just plain freaking out! Lol I just assumed it was was “normal” and thats what everyone told me.. “you’re just excited”

When I married Joseph Travis I could have done a black flip, triple axle, and the fact that I couldn’t stop giggling was what made getting in my dress that day a little tough. I knew… I looked out the window.. saw him laughing..that smile so big.. and I knew. I saw a “beginning” and felt peace and joy in my heart I had never felt before.

Honestly, I had planned a get away… no one knows that.. well.. until now. I couldn’t do it, I KNEW that what we have people spend their entire life searching for.. and I wasn’t running.

If you are getting married and everything is done, bought and paid for. You can still call it off. You can still run. Trust me, it will cost ALLOT less to leave BEFORE you say I do. For you, your spouse, your families and friends.

You see you won’t just lose the deposit on the venue, food, dresses, honeymoon, etc. You loose EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and if kids are born… its a Million times worse if it doesn’t work out. So if you aren’t ready, or sure, or ready to do a triple axle in to that dress…It won’t hurt to give it some more time.. just to be sure.

👰💍🤵

💚🔥🔥💚

Don’t you just love it when your husbands alarm clock goes off 3 @&#=$(#) times on a Saturday before 6am? As soon as my mind awakes, game on..

Kidding (not really) I’m just not a morning person..Joey is who I refer to as “Cinderella” animals love him. And so do I. 💕🥰

I have so much stored in my brain, I don’t even know where to begin. I want the pain to stop, the mental battle, the hurt, all of it….to be quite.. even if just for one day. I’ve started meditation.. controlled breathing. Watching motivated speakers & listening to pod casts. Pills work faster.. especially if you double up. Berne Brown made the statement in one of her speeches “Numbing the pain means numbing everything. The joy, the happy, not just the mental distress and anxiety.” I have pretty much watched all her stuff and hope to read her books soon. That statement changes everything.. you can too! So what will it be,? I want to hear from you. How are you coping?

Last night as I was telling a story from my childhood to my husband about how my father called a “family meeting” to tell us we we’re all moving from Oxford,Alabama (Oxford, Anniston, or Cullman-bad memory) to the great state of Washington! “Washington DC!”, I asked excited. “No, Washington State.”, my dad said smiling. Joey, my husband, said “Oh my God, you are your father!” Joey was laughing and I take this as a complement because in my eyes it’s always been #1 Jesus #2 Daddy.

So- I am starting my blog back. I DO NOT have an English degree, I don’t use correct punctuation or any of that other crap the right way. So if that bothers you. You may not want to keep reading.

I do, however, try. I have some deep hurts, crippling anxiety, and bouts of depression. I also have a very sick sense of humor so… stay with me if you want. I am done holding it all in! Let the healing begin…or hurting.. pfff whichever. I know, I’m not alone… and neither are you… .

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02/22/2020

The last time I posted it was an apology and I apologize again because I was on a roll!! I was getting my journal entries posted on a regular. I was feeling the “healing”, I was getting feedback from friends and family “Your doing it!, Good for you” and then I had to stop. I listened to the advise of close friends and stopped. I will continue with this journey when I know it is safe. For now, it is Paused.

A friend shared a bible devotional this morning called “Without Rival With Lisa Bevere”. It is a 7 day devotional done on the YouVersion Bible app. I watched the video and Day one immediately and let me tell you- this is going to be a game changer. At the end of these Bible studies you have the option to “Talk it Over” with the person you are doing the study with. “When we’ve been bankrupted, it is not long before we want to rob others.” hit me between the eyes like that softball did almost 4 years ago. (Funny- NOT funny, that HURT) ANYWAY- after doing the study my mind was racing and I had the overwhelming urge to grab this laptop and start again… and so- here I am. Typing as I am thinking and not really knowing what God has planned. Again.

I have been bankrupted but I have also bankrupted others. I have robbed others and others have robbed me. I am not throwing stones here. Jesus said “Let you who are without sin cast the first stone” that’s right Jesus! Tell’em!!

Lisa Bevere also said “If you don’t know what you are supposed to be doing with your life that means that God has planned something for you that no one else has done “Well, isn’t that just great!! (enter nervous sigh here) In my response to the study it’s the same thoughts I have wrestled with for years. “Why have I went through all this Lord?” “What do you want me to do with all of it that will bring YOU Glory!?”

I have been the depressed kid at home because she felt like she didn’t fit in, the drug addicted teen, the adulterous wife, liked girls and wasn’t sure who I was because of it or if God could use me…love me…forgive me.. I have questioned everything good in my life and knew exactly why everything bad happened. I want to help kids, teens, adults, women especially… but am clueless about how to since I can’t even help my own daughter and I feel everyday, because of my mistakes, I have ruined her for life.

Then I pray. God restores me, reminds me who He is.. and I know. I know that everything WILL be ok because I read the book- I know how it ends.

So while my journal entries have paused.. for now.. I am back..God is calling me… for what I am not sure…I hope whoever is reading this knows that no matter what you are going through our God is a God who stays. Even when we’ve walked away. (YES, that is a song) My theme song actually. 🙂